The "man" of my dreams....

I've been pining the loss of a perfect man, a perfect relationship, in a somewhat imperfect world. And all this while, I didn't realise perfection was staring at me right in my face.

This "man", he craves my time and attention and my approval. He's sweet and caring. He's always ready to give me a hug and a kiss. He's always there when I need him and even when I don't. He never fights with me or argues with me, and he's never, ever uttered a single word in anger to me.

Who's this man? Take a look.

This is my kid brother. The cutest little thing walking around at the moment. A real ladies' man he is. Ask all the girls he's met so far. He pretends to be shy and they all fall for it.

And he loves hanging out with all the big guys. Ask all the guys he's played ball with. They all love him.

Who'd have thought that I'd find happiness in the simplest things? Like when he learnt to spell a word that I thought him. When he can finally add small numbers after hours of teaching it to him. When he can laugh at the jokes I crack, that noone else but the two of us understand.

In his words, we're the best buddies in the whole world!

Men: big, small, hunky, nerdy, tall and sexy

Finally, a topic close to my.... hmmm, well, we're talking about men today.

Well, yes, we've always been talking about men, one in particular, but today.... TODAY we talk about MEN. The entire, oogling, hairy chested, beer totting lot... yes, that excludes the mafedeks and the like...

First, let me add a disclaimer: This is NOT a anti anything post. I'm only including straight men because, well... they're the only kind that rock my boat... well, some of them...

OK, read the newspaper on Sunday. Maybe I'm a bit out of all the new English words coming up lately... apparently there is more to a man than hairy chests, cologne, stubble and.. sigh, everything else that I like. Hmmm, my ideal plaything, go ahead, oogle ladies!

Ok, yes, more to a man... apparently, there are metrosexuals, retrosexuals, studs, SNAGs and whatever hell else there is. What utter and absolute rubbish. There are only two kinds of men.

First, gays. They're sister-kin cos here's a guy that can bitch as well as, maybe even better, than I can. Plus he picks up the tab, dresses well and lo and behold, he has a brain... UP there! I love my guy friends who are gay. They're a ball of fun (no pun intended!!!) While I'd never want to see their PDAs with their darlings, I'd drop a hot date to hang out with them anyday!

Second, hunky, beard growing men. A man must be able to grow a beard. Manjans... what can I say... hmm, i'll shut up here. But if you know me well, you know why I don't even consider dating one. I mean come on! Everything on the guy turns pink when blood rushes there... enough said!! How can a guy naturally be pink?!!

Ok, back to the issue.... these are real men!! yummy... delicious. I can't describe them, but they use great cologne; none of that flowery smelling crap. I mean, Dunhill, Aramis (Havana, esp) and the like. They dress well and they DO NOT indulge in girly stuff like the metrosexuals. Nor are they SNAGS (*I vomit blood*). Neither are they uncultured. They have impeccable manners, are gentlemen, but ahem, not when need be. Well, at least that's the perfect man.

Where, where can I find perfection? I have yet to come across it here on earth. Maybe in Heaven. Maybe in my dreams. I want to clone of th... heck! I want a clone of each of the men here. That's four altogether. Plenty of love to go around!

Examples....




Let one of these invade my bedroom tonight....at the very least, my dreams!!!

What can I say, I'm a traditional, conventional Goddess. I need a strong man, with a brain. Sadly, sadly, I don't think he exists, cos I can't seem to find the right guy who'd look good in a white shirt, unbuttoned at the collar, jacket slung over his shoulder, smelling of Aramis' Havana. Where oh where can my little (???) toy be, where oh where can he be.....

I want to start this over again....

I want to close my eyes and travel back in time. The exact day?

The 28th day of the 2nd month of this year.
I want to open my eyes and find myself in that chair, looking across at you. Those eyes looking back at me.

I want to close my eyes and travel back in time. The exact day?

The middle of March this year.
I want to open my eyes and see you walking towards me. Smiling as always. Where we used to spend endless hours together. Whole days spent just doing nothing. When you looked at me with smiling eyes, and maybe I imagined it then, but I thought those eyes lit up everytime I smiled back.

I want to close my eyes and travel back in time. The exact day?

A day in June this year.
I want to open my eyes and see you waiting there for me. The day I did the worse thing imaginable. I was horrid to you. The things I said. The way I acted. Was it my fault? Did I do this? Or did I just see the light in yours flicker and disappear forever? I'm not sure.

I want to close my eyes and I never want to open them again.
I saw your eyes. I didn't see them light up. I didn't see the smile. It felt strange. I wanted to reach out and give that special hug that I keep just for you. But its gone now.

I want to close my eyes.
I want them to stay closed. Until I hear your voice, feel your arms again.

How did this happen to me?
I can't explain and I can't erase the things I've done.

Chocolate and wine

I want to get a bar of chocolate and a bottle of Red.

Then I want to sit at the beach, or near any large body of water, at night, in the dark.

I want to devour all that chocolate and get drunk on that bottle of wine.

It'd be great to have "good company" with me when I take this step.

Will you come with me? You know who you are.

C'mon, say you will. Its been so long, surely you miss it as much as I do.

A fallen Goddess

I've fallen from grace. What's the use? Allow this Goddess the chance to falter and lose the composure she's been trying to maintain for so long.

What is wrong with him? What's wrong with me? Any guy, ANY guy would be lucky to date me. I'm smart, I'm rich and I'm beautiful. I'm a great girlfriend. I'm a great person, save when I start raving, which is so rare. This is one of those rare times. So why won't he?

Maybe he couldn't handle perfection. What's wrong with him? You look high and low and you get so close to perfection. When you finally have it, you don't want it anymore. You got upset cos I didn't reciprocate in the begining. Now I am, now I do and where are you? Now you decide you can't handle it?

What's worse, I'm holding on to what I feel when I should let go. And why is it so hard? Because, for once, I fell for the guy and not for his car or his money, none of which you had. It wasn't the looks either. I fell for the guy, his mind, his personality. How I could have let myself fall? I don't know.

I don't easily get attracted to someone because of what they are. There are very few men that have that kind of charm. And here I fell...hard.

What's it been? Its been a while I know. And damn it, I'm still looking for the distraction that's going to take you off my mind. Its difficult because I know its got to be someone that has A LOT more than you and that's going to be tough. Why, why in heaven's name, did you have to have a complex?

The final word: Screw complexes and issues, screw men that can't handle perfection.... I want to say the same to you, but I could never get that angry with you, for the simple reason that I care for you that much. I'm angry with myself for not letting go. And for that, screw me.

Missing...

Damn it. Another one of those days when I come back and realise I don't have someone to turn to just for the sake of being comforted. I can't call or contact this person in any way .. espeacially when I'm like this because I know I'll say something stupid and scare him off.

And yet, every part of me wants to pick the phone up, dial his number and hear his voice. Just for a minute. But I know it won't be enough. At the end of it all, that's really not what I want. I want him. To hold his hand, to talk to, to spend time with. Not just for a one minute phonecall.

Sometimes its so frustrating, you just want to take that person and knock him on the head repeatedly with a wooden bat. Why, why can't he get it into his head that I'm here, that I care, that I'm hurting, that I still have feelings.... that..... so many things... none of which matters.

Are men so dense that they don't understand us at all? When we want a fling, they want a serious relationship. When we want a serious relationship, they want a fling. When we don't want to trust them, they insist we do. When we do trust them, they betray us. When we don't want them, they want us... and when we finally fall for them, they leave.

And how do we know our feelings are true? What's it been, a month? And I'm still pining for him.... does that make what I feel true? Or am I just pining cos I want to conquer some invisible mountain that I feel I must climb?

I'm an idiot, a moron.... an absolute nut. To make myself feel this way, to let my heart cause me so much misery... Why, why on earth did I have to meet someone that was so perfect?

Men-speak...

What's with women? Men speak, we believe. How we believe such mumbo-jumbo is beyond any comprehension of this Goddess. Men lie. They cannot, ever, tell you how they really feel. What we can do, is read their acts, not their lips.

Here we go, here we go, men-speak, redefined by a Goddess, for the rest of you.

I like you (he pauses, then...) a lot!

Please! If he likes you, he doesn't have to add the last two words. He won't even say it. He'll show it by being especially nice to you. And he'll respect you. What he means when he says this is simple, Look, I think you're hot and I'd really like to sleep with you.

I think I'm falling in love with you.

NO guy, is ever going to say this. No way in hell. If he falls, he falls. If he doesn't, he doesn't. C'mon, men don't think. He's either here or there, no in between. What he really means here is simply, I might like you, but let's see if the sex is good before I commit myself to anything.

I don't want to hurt you.

Damn it! This guy is GOING to hurt you, for sure. He's in a situation where he likes your company but he doesn't know for sure how he feels. He says this so that you'll "trust" him (which you should never do in the first place) and continue going out with him til he decides to stop. What he really means is "Hang around me a bit. When it gets too much for me to handle, I'll let you go and then you'll get hurt."

I like you, but....

This one is easy. Anything after the "BUT" is how he really feels for you.

And the biggest lie....

I love you.

And a brighter day dawned on us all...

Friday is here. And, guess what? This Goddess is very very happy today. No ramblings about unrequited love or self absorbed men. In fact, today, any man would be given a Goddess' blessing... any? Nah, just two in particular. A close friend, one is. And the other, I'm not sure what.

My close friend, he gave me a earful two days ago and yesterday, he called and gave me a good talking to. The kind a big brother gives to his kid sister when he's worried for her. I was angry, but when I woke up this morning, I realise how much he cared. He rationalised all my actions the past few weeks and he was right! I'm surprised men can understand women so well! Or maybe, it was because he was going through the same thing I was; falling for someone that isn't there anymore. Nonetheless, his words made sense and I realise the ass I was being. The best of it was that he confirmed some of the "rules" girls should play by to get a guy.

Needless to say, I was on a self-destruct mode the past few weeks. It was hard and I didn't want to have to deal with the emotions I was feeling, since whenever I tried, I did the wrong things and it just became a very vicious downward cycle. The point is, this sweetie pie, he talked me out of it and apologised for getting angry (which was truly justified, considering the ass I've been). I've never had a guy friend that cared that much. It feels like I've got a big brother looking after me and it feels really nice.

The other sweetie this one, I don't know why he does what he does, but he's been a swell guy. I admit, the circumstances that brought he and I together to go out were less than desirable, but he's been really sweet since. We had a long long talk yesterday, more of a laying down the rules kind of talk, and today when I met him, he remembered the things I mentioned and made sure he didn't do anything wrong. Its been a while since a guy's been that attentive.

Oh, the better part of today, was that he admitted to thinking about me. Hahaha, small I know, but you must understand, this Goddess hasn't been dating for a while. So, anyway, he called out of the blue and offered to come to where I was (which, by the way, was quite far from where he was) just to meet me for a bit. What can I say, small things like that, I appreciate a lot. He told me he was thinking about whether he should call and decided to just take the chance. So he did, and we had quite a fun dinner.

One damper on the day, on all this happiness, (ok, I'm going to whine just a bit. indulge me) was that at the end of it all, my thoughts still reverted back to the one that got away. I just hope, and pray, that it'll go away soon. Feeling this way sucks. Sometimes the old toys are harder to let go off than we had earlier realised.

One more thing, this Goddess would like to know who reads her posts every now and then. I'm amazed my counter is shooting up so fast. So just leave a comment, let me know who you are, even if you have nothing to say except "hi".

Thank heaven for those little boys that grow up to be sweet, wonderful men.

A Feminist Theory.. or lack thereof

I'm a Goddess and all men are our playthings, but believe me, I'm no feminist. Not at all. What I believe, is quite simply, this

1. Everything a man can do, a woman can do, maybe even better.
2. But if a man is willing to do it, why put ourselves thru the trouble?

The concept is simple, inherently we're all equal. Men believe that women are inferior and need a man around. They're willing to run around and do all the "tough" jobs, so why not just let them? Why, in heaven's name, a woman would want to cry for equality and insist on being able to do EVERYTHING a man can do, I'll never understand!

What's worse, if we start on the premise that there is no equality, it logically follows that the balance is slanted in the male's favour. Women shouting for equality are asking the dominating male for concessions to the status quo, for the simple reason that we, as women, deserve it!

That in itself is a warped sense of equality. If its clear that the only route to equality is for the dominating male to make concessions and allowances for women to move up, then what equality is there really? What kind of indignation are we suffering by allowing our advances to be controlled by the whim of the dominating male? There is no true equality in such a situation.

True equality can only be achieved by a woman that works harder and pushes further, just to reach the same level as her male counterpart. It may seem unjust, but at least you can be sure that noone made concessions for you. At least you know that your advances are not at the whims or sympathy of some pseudo-superior male.

My theory isn't very refined. Comments are welcome. And lest anyone wonder, no I'm not a lesbian. I'm not a man-hater. In fact, all men are a Goddess' favourite plaything.

Melodramatic-ness

Here's another one of those melodramatic songs that will only "speak" to you when you're at a crest of emotion, be it sadness, loneliness, or some other sad feeling. I don't know what I'm feeling now, but for some reason, this song made me forget that I'm a Goddess and reminded me that even Goddesses feel pain and heartache. Bloody hell, who invented this crap about music speaking to one's emotions? Must be some mass brainwash or something!

In any case, here's Kelly Clarkson's "Because of You"

I will not make
The same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break
The way you did, you fell so hard
I’ve learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you I am afraid

I lose my way
And it’s not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that’s weakness in your eyes
I’m forced to fake
A smile, a laugh, every day of my life
My heart can’t possibly break
When it wasn’t even whole to start with

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
Because of you
Because of you I am afraid

Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt

Because of you I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of youI don’t know how to let anyone else in
Because of youI’m ashamed of my life because it’s empty
Because of you I am afraid

Because of you

The Rules

A stroke of genius.

The Rules

1. All men are a Goddess' playthings.
2. We do not play with our food, nor do we eat our playthings.
3. No man is worth our tears.
4. A man not worth his salt, is not worth our time.
5. We were meant to be wooed, and do not woo.

The most important rule of all: The right man will worship you before he even knows that you're a divine being.