Engaged, married and divorced.....

Sigh, Is this Goddess losing steam? Is the whole single strong woman image faltering? I don't know who I'm kidding.

My friends are dropping like flies all around me. No, they're not dying.. they're all getting married. MARRIED! There goes one or two of my drinking buddies.

Theoretically, it shouldn't affect me. I mean, afterall, I don't need a man to justify my existence. I can support myself. But then, it depresses me that I don't have someone to go to when I just want to be me, or when I just want a cuddle and a hug.

Yes, there are friends I can go to, who will indulge my moods, by tempers, by rants and my raves. But it doesn't reach as deep as I'd like. With friends, I feel I barely scratch the surface of what I'm feeling.

I'm nowhere close to getting married, nor even to getting attached. And while flirting around has its highs, at the end of the day, you're back at square one.

I'm not sure where my inclinations lie at the moment. I'm not sure if I'm happy being single and not worrying about someone else's feelings and issues, or if I'd rather have someone by my side.

At the end of the day, I'm sure what matters is my happiness. The only problem is, I don't know what makes me happy. For a Goddess that can bitch and laugh off any attack against her, and who's intelligent and confident, I'm hopeless and silly when it comes to this kind of thing.

Suddenly, I'm scared to make a commitment, despite wanting to. And suddenly, I'm too afraid to take a chance. Strange, when a month or two ago, I held it against someone else who was also afraid to make a commitment.

Am I drowning? I can't even place a finger on what exactly I'm feeling. I'm just feeling lonely...

Imagine that. A Goddess, with so much at her feet... feeling lonely....

What's a bitch?

Things I learnt from my ex boyfriends...

Ok boy bashing time...

Alright, alright, A Goddess doesn't do that, at least at the moment. Let's just look back at all the things I've learnt from the men of my past...

1. EXs can be some of the best friends you'll ever have.

This I learnt very early. My very first boyfriend. It was weird cos it only lasted for a month, or was it two? This was in 1997. He was a habitual late comer, and til today, is still enjoying his life. He's never around when you call. But since then, he's been there everytime I needed a shoulder to cry on. He's stood by me thru the worst times and has consoled me and tolerated alot of the nonsense I dish out. He's a real hottie. I don't regret us breaking up. But I do regret that we had that tiny piece of baggage. He's one of the longest and closest friends I could have now. He hardly talk often nowadays. But when we do, its like we've never stopped.


There were a few insignificants here and there, then I found boyfriend number 2, whom I was with for 6 years. I learnt many many lessons from him. All bad.

2. Never, ever trust or give your heart to anyone.

I learnt this the hard way. You've got to read one of the prior posts for the story.

I've come to realise that no matter how many times he said he loved me, or how many times he's held my hand, what I should have noted was how many times he didn't say those three words, or how many times he threatened to leave just to get me to give in to his whims. I should have looked for the love in his eyes, which I know now I never saw. I should have felt his willingness to share his thoughts and dreams with me; something that he stopped doing a few years down the road.

3. It wasn't my fault.

I've learnt that it was not my fault that we broke up. I may be a strong woman, opinionated. But I've also come to realise, from the support of my friends and family that stood by me, that I'm also caring, humble, easy going and a very goood girlfriend. Other guys have made me realise that I'm a good catch.

When he blamed me for his cheating on me, I was shattered. But then, at the end of the day, if your man really loves you, he'll take you for your faults, your weaknesses and your bad habits. Those are the things that make you unique. Those things make him love you.


I've learnt so many lessons, some so insignificant to put up here. Others are difficult to put into words. Now I go in with my eyes wide open and my heart closed tight. I can't bring myself to care too much or do anything too nice for someone.

Stirrings....fear....

Alas! Is the Goddess allowing another to enter thru the tiny door into her heavily guarded heart? No, not falling in love. But maybe, just maybe, this Goddess is starting to like again.

Is it even possible that the stirrings of liking someone are starting again? Remember the hurt I felt the last time I liked someone? No, I didn't forget; the pain, the anguish, the heartbreak, the betrayal. I couldn't understand what I did wrong.

And yet, here I am, playing that dangerous game again. And I'm so scared. I'm afraid I'll do something wrong. I'm scared that just as I start liking him, he will turn around and walk away and leave me hurt again.

I know it won't last very long. Its one of those kinds of things. The ones where we'd go out regularly and enjoy each other's company, but at the end of the day, we know its not going to go anywhere further than that.

Am I going to be able to trust again? Or face the possibility that I might be hurt? I know at some point, I'll get hurt. And I know I'll cry. But at the moment, I'm happy.

I just have to be really careful. I have to shield my heart and not let him get too close to it, or me. I have to make sure I don't fall too far that I can't pick myself up quickly. I'm too scared to take too much of a risk. And I know its not going to be fair to him.

What should I do?

Wrong guys, wrong girls...

Ok, come come.. I want views.

Guys want to date that hot, wild girl, but eventually settle down with the good girl.

Girls, on the other hand, fall for the wild guy, and endless continue dating the wrong guys... ok, not wrong... the bad guys la.. the evil ones (read:julian mcmahon), the players, the wild ones... very eventually WILLINGLY settle for the good guy.

Why is that?

I had a good guy and lost.. and now I find myself irresistably drawn to the players. Why?

Evil demons... hubba hubba....

Caught Charmed...

Has anyone noticed how seemingly normal guys turn irresistably hot when they appear on Charmed? Julian McMahon (of Nip/Tuck fame) and Billy Zane become objects of desire in my mind as soon as I saw them on Charmed. Or is it because their alter egos were evil demons? Hmmm... I wonder...

Something about these men being evil just appeals to this Goddess. I think its being around too many heavenly beings. Evil in mind, evil in spirit............. evil in bed *wicked grin* oh god, I'm such a slut!

But its that evil look in a guy that makes me melt.

I need to become evil.

Explanations, excuses and exonerations

I've been raving mad and upset lately.. almost maniac depressive... after finding out some news abt my ex whom i was with for 6 yrs. Thus the recent spate of depressive posts. I was estatic at first, but it soon turned into a feeling of betrayal.

Most of you know why and most will also know that at some point, soon, this Goddess will be back to her bitchy, slutty, and opinionated self again. So, just bear with a few more ravings til then..

Thanks!! And god bless.. hahahah, did i really just say that?!

A Goddess' blessing kiss...

A Letter to a Past

Dear XXXXX,

Do you know how difficult it is to see you with someone else now?

I allowed myself to feel something for you. Its something I rarely do. I let my emotions overrule my head. I let myself fall deeper and deeper into your arms and into your trap.

You said you' d always be mine. You said I'd always be the girl you'd want to be with. Remember what you said to me? You said I could always depend on you. And you were worried that I might abandon you. So I stayed closer, I hugged tighter, I kissed sweeter. I did whatever I could to make you feel safe in my arms. I gave you a place to come to when you needed a shoulder to cry on. I gave you a place to come to when you wanted nothing more than a hug. I become the company that you constantly craved.

Then one day you decided to pull away. You suddenly didn't want me anymore. My hugs didn't comfort you, my kisses didn't make you smile. My company was wanted less and less. And then one day, your favourite hug, the one I saved just for you, it was met with a frown and crossed arms. There was no smile. No hug back. You didn't even turn around to kiss me.

At that moment, I knew it was over. My own heart broke. Invisible tears ran down my cheeks. But I kept my smile on my face, pretending I knew it was coming. I shrugged it off, but my head was spinning. I was losing you, ... No, at that moment, I knew I had lost you. Everything I ever did wrongly suddenly filled my mind. If I could have turned back time.

I'm still trying to understand. And noone wants to tell me. How could you have broken my heart? I did everything I could to make you feel safe. And in the end, you abandoned me. I don't know how much I felt, or how deep it was. But I do know that I miss you; your company, your smile.

I see you smiling at her, talking to her the way you used to talk to me. I hear the pet name I used to call you. But it wasn't from my mouth. I saw the lipstick on your cheek. It was a shade of red I could never use.

I just hope she doesn't give you that hug. That hug is mine. I was the one that comforted you with it.

How could you have hurt me that way? I didn't deserve it. I wish you'd come back to me. Say the words you used to say. Talk to me the way you used to. I wish time could turn backwards to the days when I was going out with you. I was truly happy. Happier than I'd been in a long time.

Once yours,

A Fallen Goddess.

Another woman.... another man...

Here we go again.... same old shit again....

I've had it up to here *indicates three inches above head* with men... I've had enough of men dating me, then dropping me just to date someone else. Half the time, the bitch isn't half as beautiful or as smart or as nice as me!

What, what is it that is wrong with me? Am i not... Ok, you tell me? Am i beautiful? Am I not smart? I've got two freaking degrees for crying out loud! Of course I'm smart! Then what in blue blazes do i not have?

Maybe, maybe I'm not pretty enough. Maybe I'm not cute enough. Maybe I'm too bitchy, too arrogant, too proud, too spoilt, too smart and too rich for most guys to handle. That's why they all choose to break my heart for that dumber, uglier, cuter, poorer girl....

And what the hell is "cute" anyway? What girl can possibly be cute beyond the age of 16? or 15 for that matter? Damn it, I'd rather be beautiful than be cute!

And truly, why in heaven's name would a guy go out with a girl who's not as good as the girl he used to date (me!!)? I mean, shouldn't you be upgrading and not downgrading? You should be thanking your lucky stars I even bothered to spend time with you.. Kiss the ground I walk on u lowlife scum of the universe!

And please, don't say that you like me, or that you'll never hurt me when you so fucking know you will! I'm not stupid. At the very least I'm twice as smart as you. In some cases, I'm smarter than you can ever hope to be... and richer too...

Why did you lie to me? Why did you let me fall for you and your smile, your eyes, your hands, your kisses? Did it ever occur to you that even bitches can get hurt and, yes we do cry! I want to hug you again, but I also want to hit you for hurting me so badly, for making me feel the pain of another loss.

There's only so much a Goddess can take. I've had it.

Who's sorry now?

Even a Goddess falters and makes bad decisions.

I found out that I was cheated many months ago. I won't say how and by whom. Its enough to know that it was someone I loved very very much. Someone I was so sure I was going to marry in the next year.

Now he's married, but not to me. And he's got a cute baby boy, but I'm not the mother of his child. A year ago, I was so sure I'd be the mother of his child. I saw the look in his eyes when he carried his kid. The same eyes that looked at me when he told me the names he chose for our kids.

When I found out, I was happy because I felt I had my revenge. He was married but he wasn't happy. I was still in his thoughts. She wasn't as good to him as I was. And I thought to myself, he finally realises what he lost. That I was so good to him and now he doesn't have me. I went out and partied really hard.

Even the sadness I felt because of something else, it left me. I was happy and carefree. I thought, I'm too good and only someone who can see that is worthy of me. My head was in the clouds.

Today, I stopped for one second. One second was all it took for my happiness to fall all around me. I stopped for one very short second. And I realised, when he wakes up tomorrow, he's got his family. Happy or not, he's got it. A wife and a kid.

And me? I've got nothing. My heart pines for someone that doesn't want me. I'm seeing someone that I'm not sure about. I'm floating around, without roots, without a bearing, without direction. He wakes up, goes to work, and when he goes home, he knows he does it all for that baby.

How did it happen this way? I'll never know because I've got too much pride to ask. I didn't think it would affect me when I found out. I'm over him. I don't care what he does. But to know that I got cheated by someone I loved so much. I just want to scream at him and ask him why I wasn't good enough. Aren't I? What I'd give right now for someone to tell me that I am. That I'm worth all the time and effort.

At first, I built my wall so that I won't easily trust someone. Now, I don't even want to care about anyone. I know I'll get hurt again. I know I'll end up crying. As long as I don't care, I won't get hurt. Just don't fall in love. Just don't care.

No man is worth it. And in the end, if you believe that, you'll be alone. Just like me.