If I die tomorrow, will he know.....?

I've been wanting to tell him for so so long. I've got the right words at the tip of my tongue. There were a couple of moments when I was aching to just say it... it was one of those moments when you feel nothing except closeness and love; just pure emotionally happiness. But I've never said it... not once...

Well, I did once hint very bluntly that I was falling. But he just said ok. Hmmm... what should I have made of that?

The words:

I've been wanting to tell you for so long that I'm falling for you more and more.

You're amazing in so many ways and everything that I could ever ask for.

I just hope I'm half as good to you as you are to me.

I know he'll never ever see these words, or hear them... The SMS version and the EMAIL version are saved as drafts. The handwritten letter version is in my drawer.

And the verbal one, the one where I tell him in person, that's safely locked in my heart.

I'll never be able to say it. I'm too scared he'll think I'm crazy. Or he might not feel the same way. Or he might just say OK and leave me hanging. I'm too scared of the consequences. I mean, we don't even know how much longer this thing will last. There are so many things out of our control. And yet, I can't stand stop myself.

I allowed myself to feel this way. I don't know why or how. I'm just ashamed that I'm aching to tell him how I feel, without even knowing for certain how he feels about me. Stupid aren't I?

I've hinted many times. I've called him lovable, told him I loved spending time with him, held his hand tighter....

Maybe I should just stop this nonsense. Nothing will come out of it anyhow. And besides, we know it'll end eventually. Why not I just do it myself?

Postscript: Why the fuck do I have issues? Why?