Anxious anticipation of armageddon

Irony of ironies... The one person that I never wanted to read this has read it. He went thru the postings, read everything I wrote about him, esp my list of the perfect man. Did he freak out? ....

NO! He didn't. I guess that's one more to add to the list of things that I love about him? I never told him any of these things because I thought he'd freak out and think I was an emotionally laden camel. Instead, he told me that he thought it was interesting. He liked what I wrote.

Whenever we talk about these sensitive issues, I'd clam up and he'd notice it. And he'd always wonder. He was relieved, I think, when he read my blog, to know that I did think about us and where we were headed and what I felt.

I caught myself just gazing at him a few times when we went out this past week. I've looked at him while he talked and wondered what I'm doing with him. I'm oddly comfortable in his company. I dread the last moments before we part, thinking I'm going to miss him terribly. But when we part, I'm smiling; happy that I managed to share a few hours with him.

I don't get jealous when he finds the girl walking past us sexy. I don't feel threatened. He is holding my hand and not hers. I should be afraid of his past, I should question his loyalty to me. But I don't. Instead, I seem to believe in his attachment to me. How is that even possible for someone that's been betrayed too many times to count? Am I just falling into the same trap? Or is he really so special that he'll be there to catch me when I finally let myself fall for him.

I've been toying with that for a few weeks now. I've been trying to hold back my feelings til we know for sure that we can continue this amazing relationship that we've got. We'll know, hopefully, by the new year. The point is, I've been trying...... but I've not been successful. I think I've fallen already, however much I try to deny it, and believe me, I've been denying it a lot.

He worries I'll get hurt. I worry I'll get hurt. He doesn't know it, but I've played it over in my head a thousand times. I know the chances of me NOT getting hurt are 1 out of a thousand. So many things can go wrong. There are so many ways he can hurt me. But somehow, I've managed to throw caution to the wind. Still, I've not lost my anchor. I'm very conscious of what could go wrong. I didn't want to, but I've built a wall, albeit a weak one, around the feelings I have for him. If we make it past the next few months, maybe he'll find out what I feel... maybe.

I don't know what he feels for me. I know he cares and I know he won't waver. Still, neither of us are willing to take the plunge, knowing the obstacles we face. I do know one thing, that if we do part, I won't be the only one crying.

The old adage, its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.... I'd not want to lose him, because if we do let our feelings rule, the love I could have for him would be the kind I've always dreamed of....