affections, afflictions and the Goddess's booboo

Yesterday, on the bus back home, i saw this young couple get on the bus... they weren't good looking, but they suited each other. Not that ugly people should date other like-looking people.

Ok, the point is... The man placed his arm around his wife and tried to hold her closer. But all she was interested in was this old worn out book that she'd been reading. I felt really really bad for the man, especially when she pushed his arm away so that she could continue reading...

I'd never ever do that. I'd love to have my man's arm around me, knowing he wants to hold me... but then, I also realise how little I've taken for myself. I give my affections too easily. I fall in love too easily. That's why my heart gets broken so many times.

If I'm so afraid to get hurt, why do I so easily give others the chance to hurt me? I highly doubt that its my belief in the intrinsic goodness of man.

I should treasure my heart more, treasure my feelings more. Each time my heart breaks, it seems harder to mend. And each time my heart breaks, there are less tears. That's not a good sign. It shows that I care even less than the last time.

Strangely, I've never told any guy I loved him. I just let myself fall. I must be really silly to do that.

To be honest, I feel like a whore that prostitutes her heart out to men, only to have it trampled on. There's nothing worse.

Anxious anticipation of armageddon

Irony of ironies... The one person that I never wanted to read this has read it. He went thru the postings, read everything I wrote about him, esp my list of the perfect man. Did he freak out? ....

NO! He didn't. I guess that's one more to add to the list of things that I love about him? I never told him any of these things because I thought he'd freak out and think I was an emotionally laden camel. Instead, he told me that he thought it was interesting. He liked what I wrote.

Whenever we talk about these sensitive issues, I'd clam up and he'd notice it. And he'd always wonder. He was relieved, I think, when he read my blog, to know that I did think about us and where we were headed and what I felt.

I caught myself just gazing at him a few times when we went out this past week. I've looked at him while he talked and wondered what I'm doing with him. I'm oddly comfortable in his company. I dread the last moments before we part, thinking I'm going to miss him terribly. But when we part, I'm smiling; happy that I managed to share a few hours with him.

I don't get jealous when he finds the girl walking past us sexy. I don't feel threatened. He is holding my hand and not hers. I should be afraid of his past, I should question his loyalty to me. But I don't. Instead, I seem to believe in his attachment to me. How is that even possible for someone that's been betrayed too many times to count? Am I just falling into the same trap? Or is he really so special that he'll be there to catch me when I finally let myself fall for him.

I've been toying with that for a few weeks now. I've been trying to hold back my feelings til we know for sure that we can continue this amazing relationship that we've got. We'll know, hopefully, by the new year. The point is, I've been trying...... but I've not been successful. I think I've fallen already, however much I try to deny it, and believe me, I've been denying it a lot.

He worries I'll get hurt. I worry I'll get hurt. He doesn't know it, but I've played it over in my head a thousand times. I know the chances of me NOT getting hurt are 1 out of a thousand. So many things can go wrong. There are so many ways he can hurt me. But somehow, I've managed to throw caution to the wind. Still, I've not lost my anchor. I'm very conscious of what could go wrong. I didn't want to, but I've built a wall, albeit a weak one, around the feelings I have for him. If we make it past the next few months, maybe he'll find out what I feel... maybe.

I don't know what he feels for me. I know he cares and I know he won't waver. Still, neither of us are willing to take the plunge, knowing the obstacles we face. I do know one thing, that if we do part, I won't be the only one crying.

The old adage, its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.... I'd not want to lose him, because if we do let our feelings rule, the love I could have for him would be the kind I've always dreamed of....

My perfect man....

I don't know if I've found him yet. Maybe I have, maybe I've not. And I know with every good point, a bad point would follow. But for some reason, I know the bad points would never outweigh the goodness.

1. He always has a ready smile for me, whether he's tired or sad..
2. He's never afraid to open up his heart and his mind to me.
3. He believes, and truly does, that i can accomplish anything on my own.
4. He gives me a shoulder when my days are rough, and isn't afraid to ask for mine when he needs a shoulder too.
5. He tells me of his future, his past and his present, without hiding anything, knowing I won't judge him for his past, or forcibly hold him to his future and knowing his present is right there, at that moment, with me.
6. He thinks I'm worth trying for, however hard it is to convince me that i can trust him.
7. He's not too shy to hold me, but shy enough to say he likes me in the most discreet way.
8. He's a friend with his father, a filial son to his mother, a best friend to his brother and a bouncer for his sister.
9. He will smile and look after me, even when I'm drunk.
10. His hands and his voice are never raised against me.
11. He has ambitions and plans his future, all the better if he silently makes room in it for me.
12. He's not afraid to say he wants to get married, it doesn't have to be to me.
13. He can be a wild child, a party animal, but when we're alone, he respects and cherishes me.
14. He's willing to cuddle and share his thoughts.

There's so much more that can't be put into words...

But what scares me is.... am I imagining or am I describing?