left behind

long after you leave,

i'll still be falling in love with you...

Not in the spirit of giving....

Damn it. I knew I'd have a qualm, or two.... a lot....

Nothing is perfect. And if it seems too good to be true, it most likely is!

But the fault, i think, is all mine. Mine and mine alone. I'm an indulgent idiot. The most indulgent idiot around. Th problem? I indulge in the indulgences of others. I give when I should take. And give and give and give. And continue giving. And when I finally take, its too late. A culture of unrequited giving is established.


I give you my world and you keep taking. When you stopped to ask me if i wanted to switch roles, I carelessly said no. That was the last time you asked me. Now I'm still giving. I'm almost depleted.

So what's going to happen now that I've asked you for something? You've denied me. But do you care enough to remember and maybe offer it to me in the days that follow?

We're supposed to be blessed when we give with our hearts. Will we be blessed when we give our hearts and take nothing back? OR does it mean we're supposed to give without expecting anything back? That's exactly what I've been doing and I've been getting absolutely no blessing to speak of.

I don't intend to be another generous soul. I'm a bitch. I want to be selfish and demanding. Why don't I make your life difficult for once? Make you sacrifice something for my satisfaction and to indulge my wants?

A Goddess Falls.... again

It's happening again. That old familiar feeling. You want the person around all the time. You can wait to see him, you like having them around, you smile when a thought enters your head.... falling in love...

Its scary. Where once I had no problem leaving him alone for days at a time, til he had to call me out of desperation, now I count the seconds before he calls.

It sounds silly but thoughts are running through my head; like should i tell him i missed him over the weekend? Should I pretend i didn't care?

I want him desperately. I want to hold his hand, hear his voice....

But the strange thing is, this time round, it feels different. There's no anxiety despite me counting the seconds. I know he'll definitely call. I know he'll definitely hold my hand. There's no worry, no anguish, no anxiety, nothing. I know he'll be there when I need him. I don't feel any of the anxieties of a new relationship.

I just feel.... in love.

There's comfort in his arms, there's safety in his presence. I look in his eyes and I know he isn't judging me, looking for a flaw or a fault. All I see is acceptance. Acceptance of the person I am, acceptance of the person I want to be, of the person I was. I see nothing but total, unconditional acceptance.

In his arms, I feel safe.. secure. Because of that, I feel I can face anything, even on my own. I don't feel like running to him for help or that I need to cry to him. In a strange way, he's made me want to lead my own life, to have my own dreams, to make my own choices. I can pick myself up on my own because he believes in me.

He appreciates me and what I give, however much or little. He's happy whether he talks to me for 30 seconds or for 3 hours. He's never asked for more than what I give. He understands me without any words. He looks at me and he knows how I feel, what I think. He doesn't rush with his words, with our time. He talks to me of a future that he wants to share. He tells me of his plans, making enough room in them for me, but never pressurizing.

He never makes a promise, but he gives without asking, without saying. He's taking risks that he'd never have taken. He always talks to me with a smile, with a softness to his voice, a gentle tone. His touch is soft and loving.

And me, I never thought I'd have accepted anyone with a past like his. But I am... I do. Its that very past that's made him the person that he is. I accept him, despite all his faults. And yet, he insists that he wants to change.... he wants to change just for me... FOR ME. Noone has ever done that. I don't know why, but I accept him for everything that he was, is and wants to be.

I don't know how to describe it. I just know it feels different. Even if it doesn't last, I'm happy I got to feel this way. I've never felt so comfortable in someone's arms... so safe and so secure.

A Goddess has fallen in love... with eyes wide open, knowing her piece of heaven can be taken away and knowing it'll be worth it to fall, for this one, this time... It'll be worth it.

Sadly, he'll never know all that I feel now..... ever

If you ask me to... I just might fall....

Used to be that I believed in something

Used to be that I believed in love

It’s been a long time since I’ve had that feeling

I could love someone

I could trust someone

I said I’d never let nobody near my heart again darlin’

I said I’d never let nobody in

But if you asked me to

I just might change my mind

And let you in my life forever

If you asked me to

I just might give my heart

And stay here in your arms forever

If you asked me to

If you asked me to

Somehow ever since I’ve been around you

Can’t go back to being on my own

Can’t help feeling darling since I’ve found you

That I’ve found my home

That I’m finally home

I said I’d never let nobody get too close to me darling

I said I needed, needed to be free

(but if you asked me to...)

Asked me to, I will give my world to you baby

I need you now

Ask me to and I’ll do anything for you baby,

for you baby

If you asked me to

I’d let you in my life forever

If you asked me to...

I'm not a chance worth taking.

I'm a Goddess. I'm beautiful, smart. I'm everything you could possibly want. I'll love you and care for you. I hold you when you need me to. I'll protect you and cherish you.

When you're cold, I'll be your warmth.

When you're sad, I'll make you smile.

When you go to sleep and its cold outside, I'll be your blanket.

When you go, I'll turn and walk the other way.

I won't cling, I won't beg and I'll never ask. I won't come til you call.

I'm perfect in every way. Everything you want, you know I am.

But, please, don't take a chance.

I'm not worth it. I won't love you with all my heart. I won't let you in. I'll always keep you a safe distance away. I'll never let you see the thoughts in my head, the past that I long to hide. I'll never let you see me cry. And I'll never, ever tell you that I'm yours.

I'm not worth it. I'm not that girl that will keep you happy forever. The fascination you have for me, it'll go away soon. You're taking a chance that I know you will regret. I can't be the one that holds you every night.

Don't build your future on my gaze. Don't dream of unborn children while holding me. Don't imagine happiness when you kiss me. Don't put me on a pedestal, I know I'll fall.

Why are you willing to take a chance on me? You're going to change so much of what you hold dear just to be with me? I don't believe you're willing to take that chance. In my heart and in my head, I know you will walk away eventually. So why, why are you trying to convince me that you won't.

Don't you know I don't trust anyone? For all that I've given you, I'll never trust you. I'll never believe you when you say you don't want to lose me. I don't believe you when you try to convince me that I'm everything you ever wanted. I don't believe. I'll never believe. Don't try to convince me, please!

I'm not any of that. I'm not worth it. I'm not. Please don't take a chance with me.

I'll never give you my heart, so don't give me yours. I don't want it.

Trapped....

I feel trapped... Sigh, what's a Goddess to do? I keep saying men are playthings; mere toys to fill our boredom...

And yet, I find myself caring for this one. I know, I know I'm making a mistake and I can't help it.

I can't understand why, but he likes me. I've not told him how I feel. He keeps fishing, keeps on hinting... But I can't. I just can't bring myself to say it to him. It'll be like opening my fortress to the enemy, who will come in, rob, destroy and leave. Is that a chance I want to take?

I like him.. I really do... There! I've said it! I just can't tell him. The words just don't want to come out. I can tell the whole world... just not him.

The emotional turmoil is irritating. The thought of being hurt, scary. The possibility that I might be making a mistake, enormous. And yet... despite all logic and sanity, I'm allowing myself to be taken in.

Someone give me a tight slap so I can wake up before this dream turns into a nightmare.