Emotionally Exposed...

Why, in heaven's name, do I not listen to my own advice?

I resolved to not trust and to not expose my emotions. And what did I do? I allowed myself a tiny window of trust and exposed a small fraction of my emotions. Ahh, the turmoil that it now causes me.

Perhaps it is just a confluence of events that lead to the insecurities I feel now; the intimacy, the openness and trust I allowed myself to feel may, or may not, have been a product of my imagination.

I will not say I regret it, because I don't. It came very naturally, very easily. And that's what scares me the most. That I'm allowing myself this comfort and closeness, enjoying it even, knowing full well that I could, and in all likelihood, will get hurt in the end.

I don't know where I stand or what part I play in this complexity. I don't even know if I have a part to play.

I exposed myself emotionally and realised that that might not have been such a good idea. I think, to some extent, those feelings were not reciprocated. I took a chance, blindly and stupidly, when I shouldn't have.

I resolve now, to shield my emotions, to not trust. It started as a fling. Nothing more. It will not develop further, I won't allow it.

God help me if I ruin my happiness and independence for a moment's folly.

Trust, a rare commodity...

How much trust do you lose when the person you love cheats on you?

How much trust do you allow yourself when you then meet someone that you could like?

How much trust do you give a person, knowing it's very likely that you could be hurt again?

I don't think I've got enough trust left in me to be able to trust someone again. I'd always be on my guard, waiting... Maybe next week, he'll see that flaw in me that he can't live with and he'll decide to stop seeing me. Or maybe, tomorrow, he'll date another girl, go backk to his ex, get knocked down by a car, get struck by lightning.

A thousand possibilities... And out of all that, just ONE chance that he might stay.

Is that a chance I really want to take? And risk the pain of feeling betrayed again? You can never believe what another person says or does.

What do I do when I can't even trust myself? Or the feelings I have.... or not...

Taking on the world

It must be tough, being a woman, working a traditionally male job.

Men, being the insecure beings that they are, cannot accept a woman working in a traditionally male job. For him, there's the stigma of working under a woman, who most likely, is smarter and more capable than him.

For her, its trying to "fit in" to the status quo of this boys' club and trying to prove her worth.

Today, I watched CJ (WEST WING, CJ is the press sec who becomes the Chief of Staff), trying to cope with the rigours of her new post. What was important, I think, was how she felt. She was close to giving up, feeling like an outsider in a very masculine atmosphere.

She finally stepped up to the challenge, by being the person that she was, by NOT trying to fit in. She didn't try to fit in. She did not try to be like the previous chief. She took the job and made it her own, with her own approach and her own style.

That showed me something. That a woman does not have to abandon who she is to succeed. She does not have to step into a man's shoes, or try to be "one of the boys" to do her job well.

That said, either a woman has it, or she doesn't. She must work harder and reach further than a man in the same position. She has to fight for her place, her right to be there. Once gotten, its hers to use and maintain. Respect is earned, for that, she has to work harder and prove herself more.

With enough guts and determination, and a slight sprinkling of a bitchy attitude, anything is possible, ladies.

At the end of the day, there is nothing to stop a woman, except herself.