Another world inside of me that you will never see...

Infallibility is something that is almost impossible to find. You think you've found it, then one small slip ... one small, tiny crack appears. It widens, gets deeper and sudenly the floodgates are opened and the perfect man you thought you had isn't all that perfect anymore.

To find that one person that will always respect you, cherish you and stand by your side is near impossible. I don't want him to have even one fault. Not even a second should pass where he falters. He must know what will hurt me, what will make me cry, when i need him and when i don't. I should be first, above all else, save his family. He must know the right words to say and when. I expect him to put my interests and wants first, then his.

I expect nothing less than perfection. If he cannot meet that, then i'm better off without him.

See, I am demanding. I can be difficult. Its just when I'm with him, I become a nice girl that puts his happiness and desires ahead of my own. One day, I must learn not to do that. One day, I must learn to ask, to tell and to speak up for what I want and what I expect.

Even the most wonderful of men can falter. And when he does, the wrongs are more glaring, the hurt cuts a lot deeper and the tears fall a lot longer.

Sing that song to me...

If I die tomorrow, will he know.....?

I've been wanting to tell him for so so long. I've got the right words at the tip of my tongue. There were a couple of moments when I was aching to just say it... it was one of those moments when you feel nothing except closeness and love; just pure emotionally happiness. But I've never said it... not once...

Well, I did once hint very bluntly that I was falling. But he just said ok. Hmmm... what should I have made of that?

The words:

I've been wanting to tell you for so long that I'm falling for you more and more.

You're amazing in so many ways and everything that I could ever ask for.

I just hope I'm half as good to you as you are to me.

I know he'll never ever see these words, or hear them... The SMS version and the EMAIL version are saved as drafts. The handwritten letter version is in my drawer.

And the verbal one, the one where I tell him in person, that's safely locked in my heart.

I'll never be able to say it. I'm too scared he'll think I'm crazy. Or he might not feel the same way. Or he might just say OK and leave me hanging. I'm too scared of the consequences. I mean, we don't even know how much longer this thing will last. There are so many things out of our control. And yet, I can't stand stop myself.

I allowed myself to feel this way. I don't know why or how. I'm just ashamed that I'm aching to tell him how I feel, without even knowing for certain how he feels about me. Stupid aren't I?

I've hinted many times. I've called him lovable, told him I loved spending time with him, held his hand tighter....

Maybe I should just stop this nonsense. Nothing will come out of it anyhow. And besides, we know it'll end eventually. Why not I just do it myself?

Postscript: Why the fuck do I have issues? Why?

How did this happen?

I just realised that I have no one to turn to when I need a shoulder to cry on....

Noone is close enough to me that I'd feel comfortable leaning on when I need emotional support.

I guess my bitch persona has big cracks....

A goddess comes undone.