Goddess on her Knees

2008-08-01T11:45:00.000+08:00

localgoddess.wordpress.com

Long time coming....

2007-03-11T21:26:00.000+08:00

Hey!

its been a while. Got inspired by a dear friend (read: China-Man) who blogged about your truly.

Yes, a welcome and pleasant depart from the usual ranting and ravings no? Nothing to rant or rave about. I'm as happy as can be, cept that there sooooo much work to do and so little time to do it in. I've been trying for the past 4 hours to work but .... wellll....

My dear sweet boyfriend, whom I've been bugging the entire day, has finally settled down to his work and is happily reading away. Spent the entire afternoon with him yesterday, which is great considering our very clashing schedules. Knowing there is someone so patient and so kind and so loving, always ready on the phone when i call, its a great feeling. I feel bad sometimes for not being as patient with him, but hey, if he loves me, he'll take it!

On another front, my dear friend has taken my cue and called me along for his birthday party at the end of the month. How exciting. I love love when people get older alongside me. Yep, just had my birthday. I'm closer to 30... still single.. still not married...... no ranting, no raving.... stop..stop...

Ok, so good thing, lawyers getting paid the highest. Yep, i'm supposed to be rich.. work like a dog, no time to spend money, but better than being poor and windowshopping right? that would be hell for me! hell I tell you.!

Right, lets keep it short and ease back into blogging. disparate thoughts today, but coming up, the man who's making a goddess' dreams come true and the big party at new asia bar.... stay tuned folks!

A goddess' shining light...

2006-08-14T01:34:00.000+08:00

Sigh, sigh sigh.....

For all my complaining, despite all my problems and dark days, I keep finding my shining light always there waiting for me, ready to give me his shoulder, his arms, his listening ear, his advice... Always there, always ready.

I don't know what I did to deserve this... And for once, I'm glad I did whatever it is I did. I'm not taking this for granted.

He's amazing in so many ways. He's told me things that noone else would tell me, stuff that so many people should have told, but no one has.... What touched me was how he said it and what provoked him to say it. I may be wrong, but he was looking into the future and trying to tell me what would make that future happen. That he was thinking that far ahead surprised me.

And it took time, but I could finally understand why he's afraid of getting married. He didn't say it, but a part of me wonders if he's trying to tell me something. He wants to be sure, and I don't blame him... I'm afraid of getting married for the same reasons...

What scares me.. I can so easily imagine myself growing old with him. He's so caring so loving, so sweet... perfect in so many ways. Oh, he has his flaws.... As do I... I can live with his though I do sometimes get a lil irate. And he lives with mine....

Growing old with him... as easily as I can stay young with him.

I wonder if he's reading this.. If he is, then he should know he makes me feel safe and content and I could not ask for anything more. I've not felt love the way I feel it from him. I hope it stays this way for a long time more.

Aint it fun.....

2006-07-30T23:13:00.000+08:00

If you bought Spaghetti Incident, you'd know what I'm talking about.

Isnt it also so strange that when you're moody, you want the entire world to know about it. But when you're happy, you're so content to just sit in your little space in the world and smile at everything and everyone?

It troubles me to know that there are people that can never be moody, that never break. That there are swines out there, who grumble about their jobs, their families, their income, that they're to poor, that they don't have a big house, etc, etc and so forth. Did you know that the happiest people on earth are from the poorest nation on earth?

I've got a cushy job (that takes me away from everything, even myself), a huge paycheck (that gives me more worry than ever), a close knit family (that's so close it feels I'm being strangled), a fantastic boyfriend (that I'm wary of being my problems to), a great boss (who demands so much so fast, I feel I'm drowing).....

Yes, so you say, why am I not happy.... highlight that last paragraph with your mouse and read it again.

Don't fool yourself ... not all smart, rich, spoilt kids are happy.... not a single one of us are...

I'm tired of trying to feed everyone's fancies and making everyone see what I'm not. I've given up. I'm neither pretty, nor smart, nor a good girlfriend, nor a good daughter, nor a good sister. I'm not even a good person. My place on this earth has gotten smaller, my time's shorter.

I can't stand that swine that said he's only getting paid 2 .5 k a month. Here, I get 4k. Take it... I'm looking for a job that pays less but makes me happier... I'm working all day and all night in a job that I can't stand... You're welcome to take that too. Ohh yeah, I've also got ferragamo shoes, planning to get a pair ofJimmy Choos... would you like those too? Oh and, yeah I forgot, I was planning to save up and buy the new mazda MX-5. Yeah, you're thinking, well at least you can really think of that. Well, you can too, what with my 4,ooo a month pay check. Take it, its your dream right... Take it...Just leave me enough to buy my liquid poison, my Jack, Johnny and Jim. You take the rest....and leave me alone.....

I'll be happy in a one bedroom flat, with a loving boyfriend (note I did not offer him away). No kids, no noise, no stress...

3 months... counting....

2006-05-15T21:16:00.000+08:00

Its been a long long time! Something I read off Karen's blog sparked some thoughts in my head that I needed to get out. Ironically, it related to a couple of loss ends that were finally tied up in the best way... what is it that I read? This:

"I've met a man and fallen in love with him. I allowed myself to fall in
love for one simple reason; I'm not expecting anything to come of it. I know that, in three months' time, i'll be far away and he'll be just a memory, but i couldn't stand living without love any longer; i've reached my limit."

So, why has this affected me so? I'll tell you....

Today's the 15th of May 2006. A year ago on this day, I'd never have thought that I'd find the happiness that I now have.

In July of 2005, I met a guy. Karen was there too.. and she thought he was being an ass... We exchanged numbers and that night, we exchanged smses til 6am. We were smsing when the sun came up. We arranged to meet that evening and fell asleep.

It was the most comfortable "first date" I've had in a long time. He was sweet, charming, sexy and funny. We both accepted that we'd likely no make it til Deepavali, even as we were talking about our plans for that day (don't ask why).

Deepavali came, he spent it with his family... That was the first time that we didn't go out for a week since we started dating.. We agreed we won't make it til the end of the year.

New Year's Eve came, he went back to spend it with his family... But he called... we were still dating.

It's now 2 months shy of a year since we started dating. Again, neither of us expect to reach the first year mark.

The funniest thing is that we truly, and sincerely don't expect to reach these "landmark points".

We do enjoy each other so much. Our time together is always blissful. Yet, I still don't expect anything to come out of it.

I dont know what's the point of this post, save that we never know what we'll have in three months time.

Moodiness.. and the man who took it all....

2006-03-06T01:09:00.000+08:00

I don't know what it is, but i've been an bitch the past two weeks. I've been extremely moody and my boyfriend seems to have borne the brunt of it. And he's done so without complaining even once.

Where did I find such an angel? He's told me that he feels like the luckiest guy on earth to have me. When he told me that, I just smiled. But now I know how he feels. With all the dark clouds around me, he's been one of the bright shining stars lighting up my life. I'm counting my blessings every day. Every day, he brings a smile to my face.

He's not perfect, but he's mine. And I'm thankful for that. Our relationship is not perfect, but its a refuge from all the stress of my life.

He's amazing and I could not ask for more. Every wish has been answered, every dream has come true.

My boyfriend needs to know that I appreciate him so much, despite the shit I've been putting him thru. And when I tried to tell him that, he said the sweetest thing. He just said, " I understand, its ok." He even volunteered to shoulder some of the blame for not being loving or attentive enough.

Girls, tell me, where would I find another man who is as sweet, as caring, as loving, as kind and as sexy as my boyfriend.

I'm truly blessed...

Maybe six feet really is not that far down....

2006-02-09T20:36:00.000+08:00

A boyfriend that isn't all that bothered;
A good friend with a possesive girlfriend;
A job with no certainty;
A bank acount with more dust than money;
A heart scarred;

How far down is 6 feet? From where I'm standing, it isn't that far down. It's probably a lot better than where I am right now.

What would make me happy?

My good friend being happy again.
My boyfriend using his best efforts, always, to make me happy.
A job with a cushy pay.
A fire red ferrari mondeo, license plate, GDS-01
A BMW Z4 in black, license plate, GDS-02
An eternity in your arms.

If you can tell me how to get even one of those things, leave a comment. I want to know.

Another world inside of me that you will never see...

2006-01-31T20:18:00.000+08:00

Infallibility is something that is almost impossible to find. You think you've found it, then one small slip ... one small, tiny crack appears. It widens, gets deeper and sudenly the floodgates are opened and the perfect man you thought you had isn't all that perfect anymore.

To find that one person that will always respect you, cherish you and stand by your side is near impossible. I don't want him to have even one fault. Not even a second should pass where he falters. He must know what will hurt me, what will make me cry, when i need him and when i don't. I should be first, above all else, save his family. He must know the right words to say and when. I expect him to put my interests and wants first, then his.

I expect nothing less than perfection. If he cannot meet that, then i'm better off without him.

See, I am demanding. I can be difficult. Its just when I'm with him, I become a nice girl that puts his happiness and desires ahead of my own. One day, I must learn not to do that. One day, I must learn to ask, to tell and to speak up for what I want and what I expect.

Even the most wonderful of men can falter. And when he does, the wrongs are more glaring, the hurt cuts a lot deeper and the tears fall a lot longer.

Sing that song to me...

If I die tomorrow, will he know.....?

2006-01-19T23:25:00.000+08:00

I've been wanting to tell him for so so long. I've got the right words at the tip of my tongue. There were a couple of moments when I was aching to just say it... it was one of those moments when you feel nothing except closeness and love; just pure emotionally happiness. But I've never said it... not once...

Well, I did once hint very bluntly that I was falling. But he just said ok. Hmmm... what should I have made of that?

The words:

I've been wanting to tell you for so long that I'm falling for you more and more.

You're amazing in so many ways and everything that I could ever ask for.

I just hope I'm half as good to you as you are to me.

I know he'll never ever see these words, or hear them... The SMS version and the EMAIL version are saved as drafts. The handwritten letter version is in my drawer.

And the verbal one, the one where I tell him in person, that's safely locked in my heart.

I'll never be able to say it. I'm too scared he'll think I'm crazy. Or he might not feel the same way. Or he might just say OK and leave me hanging. I'm too scared of the consequences. I mean, we don't even know how much longer this thing will last. There are so many things out of our control. And yet, I can't stand stop myself.

I allowed myself to feel this way. I don't know why or how. I'm just ashamed that I'm aching to tell him how I feel, without even knowing for certain how he feels about me. Stupid aren't I?

I've hinted many times. I've called him lovable, told him I loved spending time with him, held his hand tighter....

Maybe I should just stop this nonsense. Nothing will come out of it anyhow. And besides, we know it'll end eventually. Why not I just do it myself?

Postscript: Why the fuck do I have issues? Why?

How did this happen?

2006-01-07T16:50:00.000+08:00

I just realised that I have no one to turn to when I need a shoulder to cry on....

Noone is close enough to me that I'd feel comfortable leaning on when I need emotional support.

I guess my bitch persona has big cracks....

A goddess comes undone.

affections, afflictions and the Goddess's booboo

2005-12-28T20:26:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, on the bus back home, i saw this young couple get on the bus... they weren't good looking, but they suited each other. Not that ugly people should date other like-looking people.

Ok, the point is... The man placed his arm around his wife and tried to hold her closer. But all she was interested in was this old worn out book that she'd been reading. I felt really really bad for the man, especially when she pushed his arm away so that she could continue reading...

I'd never ever do that. I'd love to have my man's arm around me, knowing he wants to hold me... but then, I also realise how little I've taken for myself. I give my affections too easily. I fall in love too easily. That's why my heart gets broken so many times.

If I'm so afraid to get hurt, why do I so easily give others the chance to hurt me? I highly doubt that its my belief in the intrinsic goodness of man.

I should treasure my heart more, treasure my feelings more. Each time my heart breaks, it seems harder to mend. And each time my heart breaks, there are less tears. That's not a good sign. It shows that I care even less than the last time.

Strangely, I've never told any guy I loved him. I just let myself fall. I must be really silly to do that.

To be honest, I feel like a whore that prostitutes her heart out to men, only to have it trampled on. There's nothing worse.

Anxious anticipation of armageddon

2005-12-24T14:29:00.000+08:00

Irony of ironies... The one person that I never wanted to read this has read it. He went thru the postings, read everything I wrote about him, esp my list of the perfect man. Did he freak out? ....

NO! He didn't. I guess that's one more to add to the list of things that I love about him? I never told him any of these things because I thought he'd freak out and think I was an emotionally laden camel. Instead, he told me that he thought it was interesting. He liked what I wrote.

Whenever we talk about these sensitive issues, I'd clam up and he'd notice it. And he'd always wonder. He was relieved, I think, when he read my blog, to know that I did think about us and where we were headed and what I felt.

I caught myself just gazing at him a few times when we went out this past week. I've looked at him while he talked and wondered what I'm doing with him. I'm oddly comfortable in his company. I dread the last moments before we part, thinking I'm going to miss him terribly. But when we part, I'm smiling; happy that I managed to share a few hours with him.

I don't get jealous when he finds the girl walking past us sexy. I don't feel threatened. He is holding my hand and not hers. I should be afraid of his past, I should question his loyalty to me. But I don't. Instead, I seem to believe in his attachment to me. How is that even possible for someone that's been betrayed too many times to count? Am I just falling into the same trap? Or is he really so special that he'll be there to catch me when I finally let myself fall for him.

I've been toying with that for a few weeks now. I've been trying to hold back my feelings til we know for sure that we can continue this amazing relationship that we've got. We'll know, hopefully, by the new year. The point is, I've been trying...... but I've not been successful. I think I've fallen already, however much I try to deny it, and believe me, I've been denying it a lot.

He worries I'll get hurt. I worry I'll get hurt. He doesn't know it, but I've played it over in my head a thousand times. I know the chances of me NOT getting hurt are 1 out of a thousand. So many things can go wrong. There are so many ways he can hurt me. But somehow, I've managed to throw caution to the wind. Still, I've not lost my anchor. I'm very conscious of what could go wrong. I didn't want to, but I've built a wall, albeit a weak one, around the feelings I have for him. If we make it past the next few months, maybe he'll find out what I feel... maybe.

I don't know what he feels for me. I know he cares and I know he won't waver. Still, neither of us are willing to take the plunge, knowing the obstacles we face. I do know one thing, that if we do part, I won't be the only one crying.

The old adage, its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.... I'd not want to lose him, because if we do let our feelings rule, the love I could have for him would be the kind I've always dreamed of....

My perfect man....

2005-12-04T21:22:00.000+08:00

I don't know if I've found him yet. Maybe I have, maybe I've not. And I know with every good point, a bad point would follow. But for some reason, I know the bad points would never outweigh the goodness.

He always has a ready smile for me, whether he's tired or sad..
He's never afraid to open up his heart and his mind to me.
He believes, and truly does, that i can accomplish anything on my own.
He gives me a shoulder when my days are rough, and isn't afraid to ask for mine when he needs a shoulder too.
He tells me of his future, his past and his present, without hiding anything, knowing I won't judge him for his past, or forcibly hold him to his future and knowing his present is right there, at that moment, with me.
He thinks I'm worth trying for, however hard it is to convince me that i can trust him.
He's not too shy to hold me, but shy enough to say he likes me in the most discreet way.
He's a friend with his father, a filial son to his mother, a best friend to his brother and a bouncer for his sister.
He will smile and look after me, even when I'm drunk.
His hands and his voice are never raised against me.
He has ambitions and plans his future, all the better if he silently makes room in it for me.
He's not afraid to say he wants to get married, it doesn't have to be to me.
He can be a wild child, a party animal, but when we're alone, he respects and cherishes me.
He's willing to cuddle and share his thoughts.

There's so much more that can't be put into words...

But what scares me is.... am I imagining or am I describing?

left behind

2005-11-30T19:22:00.000+08:00

long after you leave,

i'll still be falling in love with you...

Not in the spirit of giving....

2005-11-30T18:45:00.000+08:00

Damn it. I knew I'd have a qualm, or two.... a lot....

Nothing is perfect. And if it seems too good to be true, it most likely is!

But the fault, i think, is all mine. Mine and mine alone. I'm an indulgent idiot. The most indulgent idiot around. Th problem? I indulge in the indulgences of others. I give when I should take. And give and give and give. And continue giving. And when I finally take, its too late. A culture of unrequited giving is established.

I give you my world and you keep taking. When you stopped to ask me if i wanted to switch roles, I carelessly said no. That was the last time you asked me. Now I'm still giving. I'm almost depleted.

So what's going to happen now that I've asked you for something? You've denied me. But do you care enough to remember and maybe offer it to me in the days that follow?

We're supposed to be blessed when we give with our hearts. Will we be blessed when we give our hearts and take nothing back? OR does it mean we're supposed to give without expecting anything back? That's exactly what I've been doing and I've been getting absolutely no blessing to speak of.

I don't intend to be another generous soul. I'm a bitch. I want to be selfish and demanding. Why don't I make your life difficult for once? Make you sacrifice something for my satisfaction and to indulge my wants?

A Goddess Falls.... again

2005-11-21T01:00:00.000+08:00

It's happening again. That old familiar feeling. You want the person around all the time. You can wait to see him, you like having them around, you smile when a thought enters your head.... falling in love...

Its scary. Where once I had no problem leaving him alone for days at a time, til he had to call me out of desperation, now I count the seconds before he calls.

It sounds silly but thoughts are running through my head; like should i tell him i missed him over the weekend? Should I pretend i didn't care?

I want him desperately. I want to hold his hand, hear his voice....

But the strange thing is, this time round, it feels different. There's no anxiety despite me counting the seconds. I know he'll definitely call. I know he'll definitely hold my hand. There's no worry, no anguish, no anxiety, nothing. I know he'll be there when I need him. I don't feel any of the anxieties of a new relationship.

I just feel.... in love.

There's comfort in his arms, there's safety in his presence. I look in his eyes and I know he isn't judging me, looking for a flaw or a fault. All I see is acceptance. Acceptance of the person I am, acceptance of the person I want to be, of the person I was. I see nothing but total, unconditional acceptance.

In his arms, I feel safe.. secure. Because of that, I feel I can face anything, even on my own. I don't feel like running to him for help or that I need to cry to him. In a strange way, he's made me want to lead my own life, to have my own dreams, to make my own choices. I can pick myself up on my own because he believes in me.

He appreciates me and what I give, however much or little. He's happy whether he talks to me for 30 seconds or for 3 hours. He's never asked for more than what I give. He understands me without any words. He looks at me and he knows how I feel, what I think. He doesn't rush with his words, with our time. He talks to me of a future that he wants to share. He tells me of his plans, making enough room in them for me, but never pressurizing.

He never makes a promise, but he gives without asking, without saying. He's taking risks that he'd never have taken. He always talks to me with a smile, with a softness to his voice, a gentle tone. His touch is soft and loving.

And me, I never thought I'd have accepted anyone with a past like his. But I am... I do. Its that very past that's made him the person that he is. I accept him, despite all his faults. And yet, he insists that he wants to change.... he wants to change just for me... FOR ME. Noone has ever done that. I don't know why, but I accept him for everything that he was, is and wants to be.

I don't know how to describe it. I just know it feels different. Even if it doesn't last, I'm happy I got to feel this way. I've never felt so comfortable in someone's arms... so safe and so secure.

A Goddess has fallen in love... with eyes wide open, knowing her piece of heaven can be taken away and knowing it'll be worth it to fall, for this one, this time... It'll be worth it.

Sadly, he'll never know all that I feel now..... ever

If you ask me to... I just might fall....

2005-11-18T15:50:00.000+08:00

Used to be that I believed in something

Used to be that I believed in love

It’s been a long time since I’ve had that feeling

I could love someone

I could trust someone

I said I’d never let nobody near my heart again darlin’

I said I’d never let nobody in

But if you asked me to

I just might change my mind

And let you in my life forever

If you asked me to

I just might give my heart

And stay here in your arms forever

If you asked me to

Somehow ever since I’ve been around you

Can’t go back to being on my own

Can’t help feeling darling since I’ve found you

That I’ve found my home

That I’m finally home

I said I’d never let nobody get too close to me darling

I said I needed, needed to be free

(but if you asked me to...)

Asked me to, I will give my world to you baby

I need you now

Ask me to and I’ll do anything for you baby,

for you baby

If you asked me to

I’d let you in my life forever

If you asked me to...

I'm not a chance worth taking.

2005-11-12T13:16:00.000+08:00

I'm a Goddess. I'm beautiful, smart. I'm everything you could possibly want. I'll love you and care for you. I hold you when you need me to. I'll protect you and cherish you.

When you're cold, I'll be your warmth.

When you're sad, I'll make you smile.

When you go to sleep and its cold outside, I'll be your blanket.

When you go, I'll turn and walk the other way.

I won't cling, I won't beg and I'll never ask. I won't come til you call.

I'm perfect in every way. Everything you want, you know I am.

But, please, don't take a chance.

I'm not worth it. I won't love you with all my heart. I won't let you in. I'll always keep you a safe distance away. I'll never let you see the thoughts in my head, the past that I long to hide. I'll never let you see me cry. And I'll never, ever tell you that I'm yours.

I'm not worth it. I'm not that girl that will keep you happy forever. The fascination you have for me, it'll go away soon. You're taking a chance that I know you will regret. I can't be the one that holds you every night.

Don't build your future on my gaze. Don't dream of unborn children while holding me. Don't imagine happiness when you kiss me. Don't put me on a pedestal, I know I'll fall.

Why are you willing to take a chance on me? You're going to change so much of what you hold dear just to be with me? I don't believe you're willing to take that chance. In my heart and in my head, I know you will walk away eventually. So why, why are you trying to convince me that you won't.

Don't you know I don't trust anyone? For all that I've given you, I'll never trust you. I'll never believe you when you say you don't want to lose me. I don't believe you when you try to convince me that I'm everything you ever wanted. I don't believe. I'll never believe. Don't try to convince me, please!

I'm not any of that. I'm not worth it. I'm not. Please don't take a chance with me.

I'll never give you my heart, so don't give me yours. I don't want it.

Trapped....

2005-11-05T01:41:00.000+08:00

I feel trapped... Sigh, what's a Goddess to do? I keep saying men are playthings; mere toys to fill our boredom...

And yet, I find myself caring for this one. I know, I know I'm making a mistake and I can't help it.

I can't understand why, but he likes me. I've not told him how I feel. He keeps fishing, keeps on hinting... But I can't. I just can't bring myself to say it to him. It'll be like opening my fortress to the enemy, who will come in, rob, destroy and leave. Is that a chance I want to take?

I like him.. I really do... There! I've said it! I just can't tell him. The words just don't want to come out. I can tell the whole world... just not him.

The emotional turmoil is irritating. The thought of being hurt, scary. The possibility that I might be making a mistake, enormous. And yet... despite all logic and sanity, I'm allowing myself to be taken in.

Someone give me a tight slap so I can wake up before this dream turns into a nightmare.

Emotionally Exposed...

2005-10-27T01:45:00.000+08:00

Why, in heaven's name, do I not listen to my own advice?

I resolved to not trust and to not expose my emotions. And what did I do? I allowed myself a tiny window of trust and exposed a small fraction of my emotions. Ahh, the turmoil that it now causes me.

Perhaps it is just a confluence of events that lead to the insecurities I feel now; the intimacy, the openness and trust I allowed myself to feel may, or may not, have been a product of my imagination.

I will not say I regret it, because I don't. It came very naturally, very easily. And that's what scares me the most. That I'm allowing myself this comfort and closeness, enjoying it even, knowing full well that I could, and in all likelihood, will get hurt in the end.

I don't know where I stand or what part I play in this complexity. I don't even know if I have a part to play.

I exposed myself emotionally and realised that that might not have been such a good idea. I think, to some extent, those feelings were not reciprocated. I took a chance, blindly and stupidly, when I shouldn't have.

I resolve now, to shield my emotions, to not trust. It started as a fling. Nothing more. It will not develop further, I won't allow it.

God help me if I ruin my happiness and independence for a moment's folly.

Trust, a rare commodity...

2005-10-22T23:30:00.000+08:00

How much trust do you lose when the person you love cheats on you?

How much trust do you allow yourself when you then meet someone that you could like?

How much trust do you give a person, knowing it's very likely that you could be hurt again?

I don't think I've got enough trust left in me to be able to trust someone again. I'd always be on my guard, waiting... Maybe next week, he'll see that flaw in me that he can't live with and he'll decide to stop seeing me. Or maybe, tomorrow, he'll date another girl, go backk to his ex, get knocked down by a car, get struck by lightning.

A thousand possibilities... And out of all that, just ONE chance that he might stay.

Is that a chance I really want to take? And risk the pain of feeling betrayed again? You can never believe what another person says or does.

What do I do when I can't even trust myself? Or the feelings I have.... or not...

Taking on the world

2005-10-02T01:38:00.000+08:00

It must be tough, being a woman, working a traditionally male job.

Men, being the insecure beings that they are, cannot accept a woman working in a traditionally male job. For him, there's the stigma of working under a woman, who most likely, is smarter and more capable than him.

For her, its trying to "fit in" to the status quo of this boys' club and trying to prove her worth.

Today, I watched CJ (WEST WING, CJ is the press sec who becomes the Chief of Staff), trying to cope with the rigours of her new post. What was important, I think, was how she felt. She was close to giving up, feeling like an outsider in a very masculine atmosphere.

She finally stepped up to the challenge, by being the person that she was, by NOT trying to fit in. She didn't try to fit in. She did not try to be like the previous chief. She took the job and made it her own, with her own approach and her own style.

That showed me something. That a woman does not have to abandon who she is to succeed. She does not have to step into a man's shoes, or try to be "one of the boys" to do her job well.

That said, either a woman has it, or she doesn't. She must work harder and reach further than a man in the same position. She has to fight for her place, her right to be there. Once gotten, its hers to use and maintain. Respect is earned, for that, she has to work harder and prove herself more.

With enough guts and determination, and a slight sprinkling of a bitchy attitude, anything is possible, ladies.

At the end of the day, there is nothing to stop a woman, except herself.

Engaged, married and divorced.....

2005-09-23T23:39:00.000+08:00

Sigh, Is this Goddess losing steam? Is the whole single strong woman image faltering? I don't know who I'm kidding.

My friends are dropping like flies all around me. No, they're not dying.. they're all getting married. MARRIED! There goes one or two of my drinking buddies.

Theoretically, it shouldn't affect me. I mean, afterall, I don't need a man to justify my existence. I can support myself. But then, it depresses me that I don't have someone to go to when I just want to be me, or when I just want a cuddle and a hug.

Yes, there are friends I can go to, who will indulge my moods, by tempers, by rants and my raves. But it doesn't reach as deep as I'd like. With friends, I feel I barely scratch the surface of what I'm feeling.

I'm nowhere close to getting married, nor even to getting attached. And while flirting around has its highs, at the end of the day, you're back at square one.

I'm not sure where my inclinations lie at the moment. I'm not sure if I'm happy being single and not worrying about someone else's feelings and issues, or if I'd rather have someone by my side.

At the end of the day, I'm sure what matters is my happiness. The only problem is, I don't know what makes me happy. For a Goddess that can bitch and laugh off any attack against her, and who's intelligent and confident, I'm hopeless and silly when it comes to this kind of thing.

Suddenly, I'm scared to make a commitment, despite wanting to. And suddenly, I'm too afraid to take a chance. Strange, when a month or two ago, I held it against someone else who was also afraid to make a commitment.

Am I drowning? I can't even place a finger on what exactly I'm feeling. I'm just feeling lonely...

Imagine that. A Goddess, with so much at her feet... feeling lonely....

What's a bitch?

2005-09-23T00:35:00.000+08:00

Things I learnt from my ex boyfriends...

2005-09-17T16:47:00.000+08:00

Ok boy bashing time...

Alright, alright, A Goddess doesn't do that, at least at the moment. Let's just look back at all the things I've learnt from the men of my past...

1. EXs can be some of the best friends you'll ever have.

This I learnt very early. My very first boyfriend. It was weird cos it only lasted for a month, or was it two? This was in 1997. He was a habitual late comer, and til today, is still enjoying his life. He's never around when you call. But since then, he's been there everytime I needed a shoulder to cry on. He's stood by me thru the worst times and has consoled me and tolerated alot of the nonsense I dish out. He's a real hottie. I don't regret us breaking up. But I do regret that we had that tiny piece of baggage. He's one of the longest and closest friends I could have now. He hardly talk often nowadays. But when we do, its like we've never stopped.

There were a few insignificants here and there, then I found boyfriend number 2, whom I was with for 6 years. I learnt many many lessons from him. All bad.

2. Never, ever trust or give your heart to anyone.

I learnt this the hard way. You've got to read one of the prior posts for the story.

I've come to realise that no matter how many times he said he loved me, or how many times he's held my hand, what I should have noted was how many times he didn't say those three words, or how many times he threatened to leave just to get me to give in to his whims. I should have looked for the love in his eyes, which I know now I never saw. I should have felt his willingness to share his thoughts and dreams with me; something that he stopped doing a few years down the road.

3. It wasn't my fault.

I've learnt that it was not my fault that we broke up. I may be a strong woman, opinionated. But I've also come to realise, from the support of my friends and family that stood by me, that I'm also caring, humble, easy going and a very goood girlfriend. Other guys have made me realise that I'm a good catch.

When he blamed me for his cheating on me, I was shattered. But then, at the end of the day, if your man really loves you, he'll take you for your faults, your weaknesses and your bad habits. Those are the things that make you unique. Those things make him love you.

I've learnt so many lessons, some so insignificant to put up here. Others are difficult to put into words. Now I go in with my eyes wide open and my heart closed tight. I can't bring myself to care too much or do anything too nice for someone.

Stirrings....fear....

2005-09-16T00:54:00.000+08:00

Alas! Is the Goddess allowing another to enter thru the tiny door into her heavily guarded heart? No, not falling in love. But maybe, just maybe, this Goddess is starting to like again.

Is it even possible that the stirrings of liking someone are starting again? Remember the hurt I felt the last time I liked someone? No, I didn't forget; the pain, the anguish, the heartbreak, the betrayal. I couldn't understand what I did wrong.

And yet, here I am, playing that dangerous game again. And I'm so scared. I'm afraid I'll do something wrong. I'm scared that just as I start liking him, he will turn around and walk away and leave me hurt again.

I know it won't last very long. Its one of those kinds of things. The ones where we'd go out regularly and enjoy each other's company, but at the end of the day, we know its not going to go anywhere further than that.

Am I going to be able to trust again? Or face the possibility that I might be hurt? I know at some point, I'll get hurt. And I know I'll cry. But at the moment, I'm happy.

I just have to be really careful. I have to shield my heart and not let him get too close to it, or me. I have to make sure I don't fall too far that I can't pick myself up quickly. I'm too scared to take too much of a risk. And I know its not going to be fair to him.

What should I do?

Wrong guys, wrong girls...

2005-09-10T12:29:00.000+08:00

Ok, come come.. I want views.

Guys want to date that hot, wild girl, but eventually settle down with the good girl.

Girls, on the other hand, fall for the wild guy, and endless continue dating the wrong guys... ok, not wrong... the bad guys la.. the evil ones (read:julian mcmahon), the players, the wild ones... very eventually WILLINGLY settle for the good guy.

Why is that?

I had a good guy and lost.. and now I find myself irresistably drawn to the players. Why?

Evil demons... hubba hubba....

2005-09-09T22:26:00.000+08:00

Caught Charmed...

Has anyone noticed how seemingly normal guys turn irresistably hot when they appear on Charmed? Julian McMahon (of Nip/Tuck fame) and Billy Zane become objects of desire in my mind as soon as I saw them on Charmed. Or is it because their alter egos were evil demons? Hmmm... I wonder...

Something about these men being evil just appeals to this Goddess. I think its being around too many heavenly beings. Evil in mind, evil in spirit............. evil in bed *wicked grin* oh god, I'm such a slut!

But its that evil look in a guy that makes me melt.

I need to become evil.

Explanations, excuses and exonerations

2005-09-09T05:37:00.000+08:00

I've been raving mad and upset lately.. almost maniac depressive... after finding out some news abt my ex whom i was with for 6 yrs. Thus the recent spate of depressive posts. I was estatic at first, but it soon turned into a feeling of betrayal.

Most of you know why and most will also know that at some point, soon, this Goddess will be back to her bitchy, slutty, and opinionated self again. So, just bear with a few more ravings til then..

Thanks!! And god bless.. hahahah, did i really just say that?!

A Goddess' blessing kiss...

A Letter to a Past

2005-09-09T03:21:00.000+08:00

Dear XXXXX,

Do you know how difficult it is to see you with someone else now?

I allowed myself to feel something for you. Its something I rarely do. I let my emotions overrule my head. I let myself fall deeper and deeper into your arms and into your trap.

You said you' d always be mine. You said I'd always be the girl you'd want to be with. Remember what you said to me? You said I could always depend on you. And you were worried that I might abandon you. So I stayed closer, I hugged tighter, I kissed sweeter. I did whatever I could to make you feel safe in my arms. I gave you a place to come to when you needed a shoulder to cry on. I gave you a place to come to when you wanted nothing more than a hug. I become the company that you constantly craved.

Then one day you decided to pull away. You suddenly didn't want me anymore. My hugs didn't comfort you, my kisses didn't make you smile. My company was wanted less and less. And then one day, your favourite hug, the one I saved just for you, it was met with a frown and crossed arms. There was no smile. No hug back. You didn't even turn around to kiss me.

At that moment, I knew it was over. My own heart broke. Invisible tears ran down my cheeks. But I kept my smile on my face, pretending I knew it was coming. I shrugged it off, but my head was spinning. I was losing you, ... No, at that moment, I knew I had lost you. Everything I ever did wrongly suddenly filled my mind. If I could have turned back time.

I'm still trying to understand. And noone wants to tell me. How could you have broken my heart? I did everything I could to make you feel safe. And in the end, you abandoned me. I don't know how much I felt, or how deep it was. But I do know that I miss you; your company, your smile.

I see you smiling at her, talking to her the way you used to talk to me. I hear the pet name I used to call you. But it wasn't from my mouth. I saw the lipstick on your cheek. It was a shade of red I could never use.

I just hope she doesn't give you that hug. That hug is mine. I was the one that comforted you with it.

How could you have hurt me that way? I didn't deserve it. I wish you'd come back to me. Say the words you used to say. Talk to me the way you used to. I wish time could turn backwards to the days when I was going out with you. I was truly happy. Happier than I'd been in a long time.

Once yours,

A Fallen Goddess.

Another woman.... another man...

2005-09-08T01:11:00.000+08:00

Here we go again.... same old shit again....

I've had it up to here *indicates three inches above head* with men... I've had enough of men dating me, then dropping me just to date someone else. Half the time, the bitch isn't half as beautiful or as smart or as nice as me!

What, what is it that is wrong with me? Am i not... Ok, you tell me? Am i beautiful? Am I not smart? I've got two freaking degrees for crying out loud! Of course I'm smart! Then what in blue blazes do i not have?

Maybe, maybe I'm not pretty enough. Maybe I'm not cute enough. Maybe I'm too bitchy, too arrogant, too proud, too spoilt, too smart and too rich for most guys to handle. That's why they all choose to break my heart for that dumber, uglier, cuter, poorer girl....

And what the hell is "cute" anyway? What girl can possibly be cute beyond the age of 16? or 15 for that matter? Damn it, I'd rather be beautiful than be cute!

And truly, why in heaven's name would a guy go out with a girl who's not as good as the girl he used to date (me!!)? I mean, shouldn't you be upgrading and not downgrading? You should be thanking your lucky stars I even bothered to spend time with you.. Kiss the ground I walk on u lowlife scum of the universe!

And please, don't say that you like me, or that you'll never hurt me when you so fucking know you will! I'm not stupid. At the very least I'm twice as smart as you. In some cases, I'm smarter than you can ever hope to be... and richer too...

Why did you lie to me? Why did you let me fall for you and your smile, your eyes, your hands, your kisses? Did it ever occur to you that even bitches can get hurt and, yes we do cry! I want to hug you again, but I also want to hit you for hurting me so badly, for making me feel the pain of another loss.

There's only so much a Goddess can take. I've had it.

Who's sorry now?

2005-09-05T00:26:00.000+08:00

Even a Goddess falters and makes bad decisions.

I found out that I was cheated many months ago. I won't say how and by whom. Its enough to know that it was someone I loved very very much. Someone I was so sure I was going to marry in the next year.

Now he's married, but not to me. And he's got a cute baby boy, but I'm not the mother of his child. A year ago, I was so sure I'd be the mother of his child. I saw the look in his eyes when he carried his kid. The same eyes that looked at me when he told me the names he chose for our kids.

When I found out, I was happy because I felt I had my revenge. He was married but he wasn't happy. I was still in his thoughts. She wasn't as good to him as I was. And I thought to myself, he finally realises what he lost. That I was so good to him and now he doesn't have me. I went out and partied really hard.

Even the sadness I felt because of something else, it left me. I was happy and carefree. I thought, I'm too good and only someone who can see that is worthy of me. My head was in the clouds.

Today, I stopped for one second. One second was all it took for my happiness to fall all around me. I stopped for one very short second. And I realised, when he wakes up tomorrow, he's got his family. Happy or not, he's got it. A wife and a kid.

And me? I've got nothing. My heart pines for someone that doesn't want me. I'm seeing someone that I'm not sure about. I'm floating around, without roots, without a bearing, without direction. He wakes up, goes to work, and when he goes home, he knows he does it all for that baby.

How did it happen this way? I'll never know because I've got too much pride to ask. I didn't think it would affect me when I found out. I'm over him. I don't care what he does. But to know that I got cheated by someone I loved so much. I just want to scream at him and ask him why I wasn't good enough. Aren't I? What I'd give right now for someone to tell me that I am. That I'm worth all the time and effort.

At first, I built my wall so that I won't easily trust someone. Now, I don't even want to care about anyone. I know I'll get hurt again. I know I'll end up crying. As long as I don't care, I won't get hurt. Just don't fall in love. Just don't care.

No man is worth it. And in the end, if you believe that, you'll be alone. Just like me.

The "man" of my dreams....

2005-08-29T09:54:00.000+08:00

I've been pining the loss of a perfect man, a perfect relationship, in a somewhat imperfect world. And all this while, I didn't realise perfection was staring at me right in my face.

This "man", he craves my time and attention and my approval. He's sweet and caring. He's always ready to give me a hug and a kiss. He's always there when I need him and even when I don't. He never fights with me or argues with me, and he's never, ever uttered a single word in anger to me.

Who's this man? Take a look.

This is my kid brother. The cutest little thing walking around at the moment. A real ladies' man he is. Ask all the girls he's met so far. He pretends to be shy and they all fall for it.

And he loves hanging out with all the big guys. Ask all the guys he's played ball with. They all love him.

Who'd have thought that I'd find happiness in the simplest things? Like when he learnt to spell a word that I thought him. When he can finally add small numbers after hours of teaching it to him. When he can laugh at the jokes I crack, that noone else but the two of us understand.

In his words, we're the best buddies in the whole world!

Men: big, small, hunky, nerdy, tall and sexy

2005-08-25T15:02:00.000+08:00

Finally, a topic close to my.... hmmm, well, we're talking about men today.

Well, yes, we've always been talking about men, one in particular, but today.... TODAY we talk about MEN. The entire, oogling, hairy chested, beer totting lot... yes, that excludes the mafedeks and the like...

First, let me add a disclaimer: This is NOT a anti anything post. I'm only including straight men because, well... they're the only kind that rock my boat... well, some of them...

OK, read the newspaper on Sunday. Maybe I'm a bit out of all the new English words coming up lately... apparently there is more to a man than hairy chests, cologne, stubble and.. sigh, everything else that I like. Hmmm, my ideal plaything, go ahead, oogle ladies!

Ok, yes, more to a man... apparently, there are metrosexuals, retrosexuals, studs, SNAGs and whatever hell else there is. What utter and absolute rubbish. There are only two kinds of men.

First, gays. They're sister-kin cos here's a guy that can bitch as well as, maybe even better, than I can. Plus he picks up the tab, dresses well and lo and behold, he has a brain... UP there! I love my guy friends who are gay. They're a ball of fun (no pun intended!!!) While I'd never want to see their PDAs with their darlings, I'd drop a hot date to hang out with them anyday!

Second, hunky, beard growing men. A man must be able to grow a beard. Manjans... what can I say... hmm, i'll shut up here. But if you know me well, you know why I don't even consider dating one. I mean come on! Everything on the guy turns pink when blood rushes there... enough said!! How can a guy naturally be pink?!!

Ok, back to the issue.... these are real men!! yummy... delicious. I can't describe them, but they use great cologne; none of that flowery smelling crap. I mean, Dunhill, Aramis (Havana, esp) and the like. They dress well and they DO NOT indulge in girly stuff like the metrosexuals. Nor are they SNAGS (*I vomit blood*). Neither are they uncultured. They have impeccable manners, are gentlemen, but ahem, not when need be. Well, at least that's the perfect man.

Where, where can I find perfection? I have yet to come across it here on earth. Maybe in Heaven. Maybe in my dreams. I want to clone of th... heck! I want a clone of each of the men here. That's four altogether. Plenty of love to go around!

Examples....

Let one of these invade my bedroom tonight....at the very least, my dreams!!!

What can I say, I'm a traditional, conventional Goddess. I need a strong man, with a brain. Sadly, sadly, I don't think he exists, cos I can't seem to find the right guy who'd look good in a white shirt, unbuttoned at the collar, jacket slung over his shoulder, smelling of Aramis' Havana. Where oh where can my little (???) toy be, where oh where can he be.....

I want to start this over again....

2005-08-23T20:21:00.000+08:00

I want to close my eyes and travel back in time. The exact day?

The 28th day of the 2nd month of this year.
I want to open my eyes and find myself in that chair, looking across at you. Those eyes looking back at me.

I want to close my eyes and travel back in time. The exact day?

The middle of March this year.
I want to open my eyes and see you walking towards me. Smiling as always. Where we used to spend endless hours together. Whole days spent just doing nothing. When you looked at me with smiling eyes, and maybe I imagined it then, but I thought those eyes lit up everytime I smiled back.

I want to close my eyes and travel back in time. The exact day?

A day in June this year.
I want to open my eyes and see you waiting there for me. The day I did the worse thing imaginable. I was horrid to you. The things I said. The way I acted. Was it my fault? Did I do this? Or did I just see the light in yours flicker and disappear forever? I'm not sure.

I want to close my eyes and I never want to open them again.
I saw your eyes. I didn't see them light up. I didn't see the smile. It felt strange. I wanted to reach out and give that special hug that I keep just for you. But its gone now.

I want to close my eyes.
I want them to stay closed. Until I hear your voice, feel your arms again.

How did this happen to me?
I can't explain and I can't erase the things I've done.

Chocolate and wine

2005-08-23T03:46:00.000+08:00

I want to get a bar of chocolate and a bottle of Red.

Then I want to sit at the beach, or near any large body of water, at night, in the dark.

I want to devour all that chocolate and get drunk on that bottle of wine.

It'd be great to have "good company" with me when I take this step.

Will you come with me? You know who you are.

C'mon, say you will. Its been so long, surely you miss it as much as I do.

A fallen Goddess

2005-08-22T20:54:00.000+08:00

I've fallen from grace. What's the use? Allow this Goddess the chance to falter and lose the composure she's been trying to maintain for so long.

What is wrong with him? What's wrong with me? Any guy, ANY guy would be lucky to date me. I'm smart, I'm rich and I'm beautiful. I'm a great girlfriend. I'm a great person, save when I start raving, which is so rare. This is one of those rare times. So why won't he?

Maybe he couldn't handle perfection. What's wrong with him? You look high and low and you get so close to perfection. When you finally have it, you don't want it anymore. You got upset cos I didn't reciprocate in the begining. Now I am, now I do and where are you? Now you decide you can't handle it?

What's worse, I'm holding on to what I feel when I should let go. And why is it so hard? Because, for once, I fell for the guy and not for his car or his money, none of which you had. It wasn't the looks either. I fell for the guy, his mind, his personality. How I could have let myself fall? I don't know.

I don't easily get attracted to someone because of what they are. There are very few men that have that kind of charm. And here I fell...hard.

What's it been? Its been a while I know. And damn it, I'm still looking for the distraction that's going to take you off my mind. Its difficult because I know its got to be someone that has A LOT more than you and that's going to be tough. Why, why in heaven's name, did you have to have a complex?

The final word: Screw complexes and issues, screw men that can't handle perfection.... I want to say the same to you, but I could never get that angry with you, for the simple reason that I care for you that much. I'm angry with myself for not letting go. And for that, screw me.

Missing...

2005-08-21T01:09:00.000+08:00

Damn it. Another one of those days when I come back and realise I don't have someone to turn to just for the sake of being comforted. I can't call or contact this person in any way .. espeacially when I'm like this because I know I'll say something stupid and scare him off.

And yet, every part of me wants to pick the phone up, dial his number and hear his voice. Just for a minute. But I know it won't be enough. At the end of it all, that's really not what I want. I want him. To hold his hand, to talk to, to spend time with. Not just for a one minute phonecall.

Sometimes its so frustrating, you just want to take that person and knock him on the head repeatedly with a wooden bat. Why, why can't he get it into his head that I'm here, that I care, that I'm hurting, that I still have feelings.... that..... so many things... none of which matters.

Are men so dense that they don't understand us at all? When we want a fling, they want a serious relationship. When we want a serious relationship, they want a fling. When we don't want to trust them, they insist we do. When we do trust them, they betray us. When we don't want them, they want us... and when we finally fall for them, they leave.

And how do we know our feelings are true? What's it been, a month? And I'm still pining for him.... does that make what I feel true? Or am I just pining cos I want to conquer some invisible mountain that I feel I must climb?

I'm an idiot, a moron.... an absolute nut. To make myself feel this way, to let my heart cause me so much misery... Why, why on earth did I have to meet someone that was so perfect?

Men-speak...

2005-08-15T14:48:00.000+08:00

What's with women? Men speak, we believe. How we believe such mumbo-jumbo is beyond any comprehension of this Goddess. Men lie. They cannot, ever, tell you how they really feel. What we can do, is read their acts, not their lips.

Here we go, here we go, men-speak, redefined by a Goddess, for the rest of you.

I like you (he pauses, then...) a lot!

Please! If he likes you, he doesn't have to add the last two words. He won't even say it. He'll show it by being especially nice to you. And he'll respect you. What he means when he says this is simple, Look, I think you're hot and I'd really like to sleep with you.

I think I'm falling in love with you.

NO guy, is ever going to say this. No way in hell. If he falls, he falls. If he doesn't, he doesn't. C'mon, men don't think. He's either here or there, no in between. What he really means here is simply, I might like you, but let's see if the sex is good before I commit myself to anything.

I don't want to hurt you.

Damn it! This guy is GOING to hurt you, for sure. He's in a situation where he likes your company but he doesn't know for sure how he feels. He says this so that you'll "trust" him (which you should never do in the first place) and continue going out with him til he decides to stop. What he really means is "Hang around me a bit. When it gets too much for me to handle, I'll let you go and then you'll get hurt."

I like you, but....

This one is easy. Anything after the "BUT" is how he really feels for you.

And the biggest lie....

I love you.

And a brighter day dawned on us all...

2005-08-13T00:05:00.000+08:00

Friday is here. And, guess what? This Goddess is very very happy today. No ramblings about unrequited love or self absorbed men. In fact, today, any man would be given a Goddess' blessing... any? Nah, just two in particular. A close friend, one is. And the other, I'm not sure what.

My close friend, he gave me a earful two days ago and yesterday, he called and gave me a good talking to. The kind a big brother gives to his kid sister when he's worried for her. I was angry, but when I woke up this morning, I realise how much he cared. He rationalised all my actions the past few weeks and he was right! I'm surprised men can understand women so well! Or maybe, it was because he was going through the same thing I was; falling for someone that isn't there anymore. Nonetheless, his words made sense and I realise the ass I was being. The best of it was that he confirmed some of the "rules" girls should play by to get a guy.

Needless to say, I was on a self-destruct mode the past few weeks. It was hard and I didn't want to have to deal with the emotions I was feeling, since whenever I tried, I did the wrong things and it just became a very vicious downward cycle. The point is, this sweetie pie, he talked me out of it and apologised for getting angry (which was truly justified, considering the ass I've been). I've never had a guy friend that cared that much. It feels like I've got a big brother looking after me and it feels really nice.

The other sweetie this one, I don't know why he does what he does, but he's been a swell guy. I admit, the circumstances that brought he and I together to go out were less than desirable, but he's been really sweet since. We had a long long talk yesterday, more of a laying down the rules kind of talk, and today when I met him, he remembered the things I mentioned and made sure he didn't do anything wrong. Its been a while since a guy's been that attentive.

Oh, the better part of today, was that he admitted to thinking about me. Hahaha, small I know, but you must understand, this Goddess hasn't been dating for a while. So, anyway, he called out of the blue and offered to come to where I was (which, by the way, was quite far from where he was) just to meet me for a bit. What can I say, small things like that, I appreciate a lot. He told me he was thinking about whether he should call and decided to just take the chance. So he did, and we had quite a fun dinner.

One damper on the day, on all this happiness, (ok, I'm going to whine just a bit. indulge me) was that at the end of it all, my thoughts still reverted back to the one that got away. I just hope, and pray, that it'll go away soon. Feeling this way sucks. Sometimes the old toys are harder to let go off than we had earlier realised.

One more thing, this Goddess would like to know who reads her posts every now and then. I'm amazed my counter is shooting up so fast. So just leave a comment, let me know who you are, even if you have nothing to say except "hi".

Thank heaven for those little boys that grow up to be sweet, wonderful men.

A Feminist Theory.. or lack thereof

2005-08-11T22:55:00.000+08:00

I'm a Goddess and all men are our playthings, but believe me, I'm no feminist. Not at all. What I believe, is quite simply, this

Everything a man can do, a woman can do, maybe even better.
But if a man is willing to do it, why put ourselves thru the trouble?

The concept is simple, inherently we're all equal. Men believe that women are inferior and need a man around. They're willing to run around and do all the "tough" jobs, so why not just let them? Why, in heaven's name, a woman would want to cry for equality and insist on being able to do EVERYTHING a man can do, I'll never understand!

What's worse, if we start on the premise that there is no equality, it logically follows that the balance is slanted in the male's favour. Women shouting for equality are asking the dominating male for concessions to the status quo, for the simple reason that we, as women, deserve it!

That in itself is a warped sense of equality. If its clear that the only route to equality is for the dominating male to make concessions and allowances for women to move up, then what equality is there really? What kind of indignation are we suffering by allowing our advances to be controlled by the whim of the dominating male? There is no true equality in such a situation.

True equality can only be achieved by a woman that works harder and pushes further, just to reach the same level as her male counterpart. It may seem unjust, but at least you can be sure that noone made concessions for you. At least you know that your advances are not at the whims or sympathy of some pseudo-superior male.

My theory isn't very refined. Comments are welcome. And lest anyone wonder, no I'm not a lesbian. I'm not a man-hater. In fact, all men are a Goddess' favourite plaything.

Melodramatic-ness

2005-08-07T14:45:00.000+08:00

Here's another one of those melodramatic songs that will only "speak" to you when you're at a crest of emotion, be it sadness, loneliness, or some other sad feeling. I don't know what I'm feeling now, but for some reason, this song made me forget that I'm a Goddess and reminded me that even Goddesses feel pain and heartache. Bloody hell, who invented this crap about music speaking to one's emotions? Must be some mass brainwash or something!

In any case, here's Kelly Clarkson's "Because of You"

I will not make
The same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break
The way you did, you fell so hard
I’ve learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you I am afraid

I lose my way
And it’s not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that’s weakness in your eyes
I’m forced to fake
A smile, a laugh, every day of my life
My heart can’t possibly break
When it wasn’t even whole to start with

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
Because of you
Because of you I am afraid

Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt

Because of you I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of youI don’t know how to let anyone else in
Because of youI’m ashamed of my life because it’s empty
Because of you I am afraid

Because of you

The Rules

2005-08-04T11:51:00.000+08:00

A stroke of genius.

The Rules

All men are a Goddess' playthings.
We do not play with our food, nor do we eat our playthings.
No man is worth our tears.
A man not worth his salt, is not worth our time.
We were meant to be wooed, and do not woo.

The most important rule of all: The right man will worship you before he even knows that you're a divine being.

Well-behaved women never succeed.

2005-07-31T21:05:00.000+08:00

Just caught an episode of Oprah featuring Maria Shriver (she's Arnie's wife). My favourite bit of the show was when she said "well behaved women never succeed." Well said!! If she's right, I'll be successful and, hopefully, rich and influential when I'm 30? That's 5 years away.

As a Goddess, I don't see myself bound by the constraints of this society, or of my race. But I'm wondering how many seemingly liberated Indian women in Singapore find themselves unwillingly constrained by the rules our race imposes on us.

So many of us seem domesticated and unwilling to challenge the ideals imposed on us. Many times, I've heard many of my indian female acquaintances questioning something I said, did or thought. The point of reference is always, your father would never agree to that. Yes, he wouldn't. If he did, he'd have done it. The point is, I'm doing it, its what I want to do and I''ll be the only one that will reap whatever the results of my act, thought or words.

Some of these acquiantances are seemingly liberated women. I say seemingly, because they still perceive themselves as obligated to play by the rules of the Indian community in Singapore. Many have great careers, good education and even have a gutsy attitude. But not a single one of them has ever looked at the ideals imposed on them and tried to break out of it or question the source of these ideals.

Of course, there is always advice to be had from the older generations. But that is all it is; Advice. We have the option to listen to it and take heed or take a different route. It does not mean we disrespect our elders. It just means on that point we disagree. Its amazing how our elders expect us to take their words as the final decision on any and all matters. Its more amazing how many Indian women are willing to accept such advice as the final decision and feel obligated to follow.

Then there are Indian men who think they rule the lives of Indian women. For some reason, most Indian men in Singapore think they know much more than the average Indian women. The audacity of some of these men. Take yours truly. I know I'm smarter than most of the Indian men I know. And yet, 99% of these men try to explain things to me and attempt to impose their "superior intellect" on me. Please, I'm not an idiot. And for heaven's sake, if you want to show off how smart you are, make sure you know what you're talking about. Don't try to explain the basics of something that I know more about than you.

What makes the situation even worse is those Indian women who call themselves liberated, but then say, yes I am acting against the cultural norm. Why, why on god's green earth, would you want to identify yourself as a rebel? You acknowledge there is a cultural norm that you should follow. That doesn't show liberation. It just shows a woman with no clear sense of identity.

Indian women in Singapore should identify their own values, their own goals, their own ideals.

Its a worrying trend. And the only way out is for us to live by the rules that we create. Men are our playthings, they need us, and when we change the rules, they will follow.

Lonely... I have nobody to call my own...

2005-07-31T02:13:00.000+08:00

Even Goddesses feel the pangs of sadness ...

I just went out, had a blast and thought it was a great day to be alive... yes, I actually thought today, i'll snap out of my depressive state. Then I stepped into my room... There is literally noone for me to call to share my joy with.

Yes I have friends.. tons and tons of friends. But I don't have that one person that will always be there for me, thru thick and thin, good times and bad. I wanted to pick up the phone, call him and tell him about my day. But who's him? There's no image in my head, no face to focus on. Just a black emptiness... there isn't even a fuzzy image that needs to be focused.

And that made me feel really alone. That I have so much joy to share and noone to share it with. That I want to cry and have noone to console me. That I want to be sweet and vunerable but have noone to appreciate it.

My room's become my prison. In here, I lock myself up, willingly imprisoning myself within four walls that hold no more meaning for me. It isn't a private space which held my treasures. Its just a room now. My bed, its just a bed. I don't dream the romantic dreams I used to dream. I don't go to sleep thinking abt a special person. When I wake up, the first thing on my mind is facing yet another dreary day.

Don't misunderstand. I'm a goddess and living is a right, not just a gift. And I live each day. I make my own rules and break them. I make my own choices. I enjoy every moment I spend alive. Its just those moments when I realise, with all the happiness I have, there is noone I can share my happiness with.

A friend once told me that I should treasure each day and live for myself. And I do. I'll do anything to make sure I'm always happy and contented.

Yes, I'm a goddess... and men are our playthings... perhaps I just need a new toy?

Even goddesses need someone to lean on

2005-07-25T17:46:00.000+08:00

Fine, I'm not that strong. I'm a goddess, I'm all-powerful. I'm a bitch and proud of it. And yet, I feel helpless.

For once, just once, I want someone to take care of me and do everything for me. Let someone else handle my worries, my problems, everything. I want to have a moment to just let everything go.

All I really want: a cold, dark rainy evening, a bottle of champagne and a god (indian, italian, or greek).

What am I saying?! I don't want a relationship. I don't want someone to bugger me every waking moment and calling me to mother him. I want someone that will leave me alone and only be there when I summon him. Sigh, I need a slave. A slave who's a god. Any takers?

My Immortal

2005-07-25T17:40:00.000+08:00

i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along

I'm a bitch

2005-07-23T03:37:00.000+08:00

Bitchiness.... thankfully only women can be bitches. Men, sigh, they'd make a mockery of themselves if they tried.

What's a bitch? I personally do not think that bitches are all bad. In fact, I take it as a compliment. There are women that spoil the term and give it a bad name.

These "bad" women are the nasty, evil-eyed, green-eyed monsters that go out of their way to wreck other people's lives.

Then there are bitches; so labelled because we've reached further and climbed higher than most men and women thru sheer guts, will and determination. We are not mean. We are not evil or nasty. We don't play games. We work hard and are no-nonsense girls.

I'm a bitch. So I've been told. But yet, it came as a compliment. I've never denied what I am. I'm a bitch and proud of it. I'm gutsy, I don't take nonsense from anyone and I don't play games.

But then, I suppose, even a bitch needs that shoulder to lean on. That one, very special, male that is man enough to love her, cherish her and support her. He'd be the only person in the world who'd see her softer side, who'd ever see her cry.

My favourite song: I'm a bitch, Meredith Brooks

I hate the world today
You're so good to me, I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you but you look at me like maybe I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet

Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see the softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused, I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything all rolled into one

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover,
I'm a child, I'm a mother,
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed.
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change and today won't mean a thing

Just when you think, you got me figured out
The season's already changing
I think it's cool, you do what you do
And don't try to save me

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

Distrust...

2005-07-21T22:50:00.000+08:00

Basic Premises first

I do not trust anyone.
If at all, it takes me forever to trust someone.
If I do trust you, I trust you completely.
If you betray my trust, you'll never win it back.

Now that we've got that out of the way, I'm faced with the hurdle that has always stoppped me from doing this bloggy thing; what shall I say, what shall I write.

Am I really adding to the already cluttered expanse? Is it really necessary that I tell the whole world how I feel, what I do, why I do what I do, how I do what I do and so on....

Ok, let's work on the right now. Right now, I'm feeling ever so low. Someone reminded me of something that made me regret alot of things the past two weeks. I wonder, if I propel myself to the end of the year, will my life be the way I want it to be? Will I still be updating this blog? Will you have something else to do besides reading about what goddesses do?

Oh, did I fail to mention, I am a goddess. Every woman is. We are the sacred feminine. Yup, that's about the only reason I liked that book.

As for me, I'm a goddess. I'm on my knees because I've realised unbridled power, wealth and status (perfection) scares off many the uninitiated male. Being on my knees gives these weak little things a very false sense of security. Don't they realise that being on my knees doesn't mean I'm no longer perfect. Of course I still am. And more than that, I can now pretend to be the bimbo that will lull them in and then in a heartbeat, crush their hearts..... and their egos.

Like I said, distrust......